Prenups as an Act of Care:
Why Planning doesn’t mean you expect Things to end
There are few topics that can change the emotional temperature of a room as quickly as the word prenuptial or “Prenup”. For many couples, it carries a quiet sting — a fear that bringing it up somehow predicts failure or reveals doubt.
But what if that reaction is based more on cultural myth than relational reality?
The Myth: Prenups mean Distrust
We have inherited a story that says: If you really believed in us, you would not need a prenup. That story sounds romantic. It is also deeply misleading.
Healthy relationships are not built on avoiding difficult conversations. They are built on the ability to have them with honesty and care. A prenuptial agreement does not signal an expectation that love will end. It signals a willingness to talk openly about the practical parts of building a life together.
In truth, silence about money, debt, expectations, or family obligations is far more likely to erode trust over time than a thoughtful planning conversation ever could.
So, let’s use a different Frame: A Conversation about Values
At its best, a prenup is not a stack of legal protections. I see it as a structured conversation about what matters most.
It invites couples to talk about questions like:
● How will we make financial decisions together?
● What responsibilities do we each carry into this marriage?
● How do we want to handle generosity toward extended family?
● What does financial partnership mean to us?
They might appear as legal questions. But they are not – they are values questions. The legal document simply records the clarity the couple creates together.
The Cost of avoiding “Money Talks”
Many couples glide into marriage with enormous goodwill and very little shared understanding about finances. They assume they will “figure it out later.” Unfortunately, “later” often arrives during moments of stress, like job changes, children, illness, or unexpected financial strain.
When expectations have never been voiced, partners may interpret differences as betrayal rather than misunderstanding. What could have been a calm early conversation becomes a conflict loaded with emotion and hurt.
Avoidance does not protect love. It postpones tension until it is heavier.
Fear-Based Prenups vs. Values-Based Planning
Let me illustrate fear-based prenups vs. values-based prenups.
A fear-based prenup often sounds like:
● “I need to protect myself from you.”
● “I have seen marriages fail, and I do not want to be vulnerable.”
● “Let us lock everything down just in case.”
A values-based prenup sounds different:
● “Let us talk about how we want to treat each other, even in hard seasons.”
● “Let us make sure neither of us feels financially powerless.”
● “Let us decide together what fairness looks like for us.”
The tone, the process, and the spirit behind the agreement matter as much as the terms themselves. One approach builds walls. The other builds understanding.
Why Couples often feel more secure afterward
Many of my clients are surprised to learn that many couples frequently report feeling closer after completing a thoughtful prenuptial process.
Why? Because they have practiced something essential to long-term partnership:
● Listening without defensiveness
● Naming fears without blame
● Making decisions collaboratively
● Seeing and being seen in vulnerable conversations
Clarity reduces anxiety. When both partners know where they stand and feel heard in the process, uncertainty shrinks and security grows.
Protecting the Relationship, not just Assets
The process used to create a prenup can either strain a relationship or strengthen it. A respectful, transparent approach — where both partners have support, space to reflect, and a voice in the outcome — helps protect the relationship itself.
When the focus is on mutual care rather than leverage, the agreement becomes less about dividing property and more about building a foundation of trust, honesty, and shared intention.
In that sense, the process is not a legal hurdle before marriage. It is an early exercise in the very skills a strong marriage requires.
Speaking from many years of experience, a prenup done well is not about preparing for divorce; it is about caring enough to talk about hard things early.
It is an act of clarity, respect, and love — choosing transparency now so that the relationship can grow on solid ground later.
With Care,
Diana L. Telfer