One of the most important things children need during a separation or divorce is something many parents never think to give them:
Permission to love both parents.
Most parents would immediately respond, “Of course my child can love both of us.” And in most cases, that is genuinely how they feel. Yet children often experience a very different reality.
When parents are hurt, angry, disappointed, or overwhelmed by the changes taking place around them, children can begin to absorb emotions that were never meant for them. Without anyone explicitly saying so, they may start to feel that loving one parent somehow betrays the other. They may worry that sharing a happy memory, expressing affection, or enjoying time with one parent will cause pain to the other.
Rarely do children voice these concerns directly. Many carry the burden quietly.
In my work with families, I have seen this happen in ways that are both subtle and significant.
A child hesitates before talking about a fun weekend with the other parent.
A teenager keeps exciting news to themselves because they worry about how someone might react.
A child changes the way they speak about one parent depending on which home they are in.
At first glance, these moments may seem small. Yet they reveal something deeply important: the child is spending energy managing adult emotions instead of simply enjoying the freedom to be a child.
The Conflict Most Children Never Talk About
Children naturally want meaningful relationships with both parents. They want to share stories, celebrate achievements, talk about their experiences, and feel connected to every part of their family.
When conflict exists between parents, however, children can begin to feel responsible for protecting everyone else’s feelings. Without realizing it, they learn to edit what they say.
They hide parts of their experiences, become cautious, and start to carefully monitor their words and reactions.
Over time, this emotional balancing act can create anxiety, guilt, sadness, and confusion. The child may feel trapped between two people they love deeply, unsure of how to remain loyal to both.
What makes loyalty conflicts particularly challenging is that they are rarely created intentionally.
Most parents do not wake up in the morning wanting to place their child in the middle of adult problems.
More often, these conflicts emerge through small interactions that accumulate over time, gradually sending messages children were never meant to receive.
How Loyalty Conflicts Are Created
It can begin with a parent rolling their eyes when the other parent’s name is mentioned or the child is asked questions about what happens in the other home.
A parent may share frustrations about legal proceedings or speak critically about the other parent during a difficult moment. Or occasionally, a parent may seek comfort or reassurance from the child without realizing the position it creates.
Individually, none of these moments may seem particularly significant.
Together, however, they can shape how safe a child feels expressing love and connection toward both parents.
Children are remarkably sensitive to emotional cues. They notice facial expressions, tone of voice, pauses, and reactions. They quickly learn which topics feel welcome and which seem to create tension.
Many become experts at reading the emotional atmosphere around them and adjusting their behaviour accordingly. While this adaptability may appear mature, it is a responsibility no child should have to carry.
Children deserve the freedom to express themselves honestly without worrying about how their words will affect the adults they love.
Why Speaking Negatively About the Other Parent Matters
Children understand themselves as coming from both parents. Whether parents remain together or live separately, a child’s identity is connected to both sides of their family. For that reason, criticism directed at one parent can sometimes feel personal to the child, even when that was never the intention.
When children repeatedly hear negative comments about one parent, they may begin to internalize some of those messages.
Part of them may quietly wonder:
“If Mom is bad, what does that mean about me?”
“If Dad is selfish, do I have those qualities too?”
Children do not necessarily think through these questions consciously or logically.
Rather, they experience them emotionally.
Identity, belonging, and self-worth are deeply intertwined.
When children feel free to love both parents, they are also permitted to embrace all parts of themselves.
That freedom is essential to healthy emotional development.
Your Child Is Not a Messenger
One of the simplest and most effective ways to reduce loyalty conflicts is for parents to communicate directly with one another whenever possible.
In the conversations with my clients, I emphasize that children should never be responsible for carrying schedules, messages, requests, complaints, updates, or information between homes. Even messages that seem harmless can place children in an uncomfortable position.
A child who regularly carries information between parents may begin to feel responsible for whether communication goes smoothly or poorly. They may worry about saying the wrong thing, forgetting a detail, or triggering conflict.
That burden belongs with the adults, not the child.
Parents can support their children by creating communication systems that keep adult conversations where they belong.
Email, parenting apps, text messages, or scheduled check-ins can all help reduce the pressure placed on children and allow them to remain outside of adult disputes.
What Children Need to Hear
Children often need more than assumptions.
They need explicit reassurance.
They need to hear, clearly and consistently, that they do not have to choose between the people they love.
Simple statements can have a profound impact:
- “You never have to pick sides.”
- “It is okay to love both of us.”
- “You do not need to worry about our feelings.”
- “You are allowed to enjoy your time with your other parent.”
- “We both love you.”
To adults, these messages may seem obvious. To children, they can feel incredibly freeing. They remove an invisible weight.
They reassure children that they are not responsible for managing adult relationships and that their love does not need to be divided or rationed.
The Gift of Permission
During separation and divorce, parents often spend enormous amounts of time focusing on schedules, holidays, transportation arrangements, finances, and legal details.
All of those things matter. But a child’s emotional experience matters just as much.
One of the greatest gifts parents can offer is the freedom to maintain healthy, loving relationships with both parents without guilt, fear, or hesitation.
Permission to love both parents creates emotional safety reduces pressure and eases anxiety.
It allows children to focus their energy where it belongs—on school, friendships, activities, growth, and the ordinary experiences that make up childhood.
In the end, children should not feel responsible for managing the relationship between their parents. They should not have to carry adult worries or navigate divided loyalties. They should feel free to simply be children.
And that freedom begins when they know, without question, that they are allowed to love both parents fully, openly, and without fear of hurting either one.