Telfer Family Law & Mediation

Salt Lake City Divorce & Mediation

phone number 801-464-4004

Diana Telfer

A Prenuptial Agreement Is Also a Family Conversation

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The Conversations Blended Families Need to Have – Part 2

When a couple plans to marry, there is usually plenty to talk about. Where they will live, how they will celebrate, and what their life together might look like. If either person has children from a prior relationship, those conversations become more layered.

There may be a home where the children have grown up, savings intended for their education, or a business built long before the new relationship began. There may also be hopes for shared finances, a new home, and a marriage in which both spouses feel secure.

A prenuptial agreement offers an opportunity to talk about how those responsibilities and hopes fit together. Yes, the legal document matters, and so do the conversations that help a couple understand what each person wants to protect—and why.

What are we bringing into the marriage?

A home, an investment account, or a business may represent years of work. It may also carry emotional significance. One person may see a house as an asset; the other may see it as the place their children return to.

Before deciding what should remain separate or become shared, take time to understand what each asset means to its owner.

For a home, the discussion should go beyond whose name is on the deed. If you will live there together, who will pay the mortgage, taxes, and repairs? What happens if the other spouse contributes money toward a renovation or spends months doing the work? Will those contributions create an ownership interest, be reimbursed, or be treated as part of the couple’s shared living expenses?

Consider a couple moving into a home one partner already owns. The owner assumes the house will remain entirely theirs. The other partner assumes that helping pay the mortgage will mean building equity together. Both may believe their expectations are reasonable. Discussing them before the wedding gives the couple a chance to reach an intentional agreement.

Personal income deserves the same attention. Will earnings go into a joint account, separate accounts, or a combination? How will shared expenses be paid if one person earns substantially more? If one spouse reduces work to care for children or support the household, how will the couple account for that contribution and the effect on that spouse’s financial security?

For a business, discuss ownership, income, growth in value, and any work or financial contributions the other spouse might make. Keeping a business separate still leaves important questions about how it will support the family and what each spouse can expect.

How will we provide for our children while building a life together?

In a blended family, money conversations can touch a sensitive question: Will caring for my children be understood as a responsibility, or viewed as competing with my commitment to this marriage?

That concern deserves a thoughtful response.

Begin with the commitments already in place, including child support, medical expenses, education savings, and obligations under an existing divorce decree. Then discuss the choices ahead: college contributions, extracurricular activities, help with a first car, or support for an adult child who needs additional assistance.

Some useful questions include:

  • Which children’s expenses will come from shared funds, and which will remain each parent’s responsibility?
  • Will savings already set aside for a child remain designated for that child?
  • How will we make decisions about substantial gifts or financial help to adult children?
  • What does fairness look like when our children have different ages, needs, or resources available from their other parents?
  • If we have a child together, how will that affect our plans?

Fairness does not always mean identical spending. One child may need ongoing medical care; another may already have a well-funded college account. What matters is whether the couple understands the differences and agrees on how to approach them.

The conversation should also include what happens if one spouse dies. A parent may want to preserve an inheritance for their children while ensuring the surviving spouse has financial support and a place to live. These goals deserve coordinated planning with the prenuptial agreement, estate documents, and beneficiary designations.

Under Utah law, a premarital agreement cannot affect a child’s rights to support, medical expenses, medical insurance, or child care coverage. Planning between future spouses must respect those protections.

What should we discuss even if it does not belong in the legal agreement?

Some of the most valuable premarital conversations concern daily life.

What role will the stepparent have in discipline? Who will communicate with the children’s other parent? Is the stepparent expected to provide transportation, supervise homework, or rearrange work for child care? How will the biological parent support the stepparent when disagreements arise?

These questions can be especially important when a stepparent has not raised children before, or when the adults have different parenting styles. Affection for a partner does not automatically provide a shared understanding of parenting.

Couples may find it helpful to write down their expectations about household and parenting responsibilities separately from the financial agreement. That conversation should account for existing parenting arrangements and leave room for relationships to develop. Children should not be expected to accept a new parental role on the adults’ timetable.

Other topics deserve attention, too: holidays, family traditions, privacy, time alone with each parent, relationships with grandparents, and the place adult children will have in the home.

A child may need reassurance that there will still be one-on-one time with their parent. A new spouse may need reassurance that household decisions will include them. Both needs can be heard.

Make room for an honest conversation

Start these discussions well before the wedding. Allow time to exchange financial information, ask questions, obtain separate legal advice, and consider proposals without the pressure of an approaching ceremony.

It can help to begin with the concern behind the request: “I want my children to have the education funds I have saved for them,” or “I want to feel secure if I invest in a home I do not own.”

Those statements give a partner something specific to understand and respond to.

As a family law attorney and mediator, I believe these conversations deserve as much care as the document itself. A thoughtful prenuptial agreement begins with understanding the family you are creating, the responsibilities you already carry, and the life you hope to build together.

If you are considering a prenuptial agreement in Utah, this is an opportunity to discuss both the financial terms and the family expectations that will shape your marriage.

With care,

Diana

Don’t Divide the Spreadsheet – Design Your Financial Future

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When you have spent years building a career, business, investments, real estate, and financial security, dividing assets during divorce can look like a math problem.

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List the assets. Determine the values. Subtract the debts. Divide the net worth.

Simple enough.

Except a divorce settlement is not a spreadsheet exercise.

Two people can leave a marriage with the same net worth on paper and have very different levels of financial security five or ten years later. What you receive can matter just as much as how much you receive.

For women entrepreneurs, executives, physicians, professionals, and others who have built significant assets, a better question is:

What combination of assets, income, liquidity, debt, and flexibility will support the life I want after divorce?

Equal net worth does not mean equal financial security

Imagine two women each leave divorce with $2.5 million.

One receives a $1.5 million home, $800,000 in retirement accounts, and $200,000 in cash.

The other receives a more modest home, diversified investments, retirement assets, and significantly more liquidity.

On the spreadsheet, the totals match. In real life, their financial flexibility looks very different.

The first woman has substantial net worth, but much of it sits inside a home that requires property taxes, insurance, maintenance, repairs, and ongoing cash flow. The second has more room to invest, cover unexpected expenses, adjust her housing, or respond to change.

Neither settlement is automatically better.

The point is that $2.5 million is not a financial plan.

Ask what you need your assets to do

During divorce, assets often get described by what they are: the house, the 401(k), the brokerage account, the rental property, the business.

A more useful question is what those assets need to do for you.

Do you need monthly income? Retirement security? Housing? Emergency funds? Long-term growth? Capital for your business? Room to breathe while life settles?

That question changes the settlement conversation from:

“Who gets which asset?”

to:

“What combination of assets best supports my future?”

That is a much more meaningful discussion.

Do not overlook liquidity

You can have substantial net worth and still struggle with cash flow.

A business can be worth millions and still provide limited available cash. A home can contain significant equity while requiring expensive monthly upkeep. Retirement accounts can offer long-term security, but they are not designed to fund today’s lifestyle.

This matters especially for entrepreneurs whose wealth is concentrated in their companies.

If keeping your business requires giving your spouse most of the family’s liquid investments, or taking on substantial debt to fund a buyout, understand what that does to both you and the business.

Protecting the business should not mean financially starving the person who owns it.

Look beyond today’s value

Assets with identical market values can behave very differently.

A $500,000 bank account is not the same as a $500,000 traditional retirement account. A brokerage account with significant unrealized capital gains is not the same as one with little appreciation. An appreciated rental property can carry future tax consequences that cash does not.

You do not need to predict every future tax bill perfectly.

You do need to understand what you are receiving before treating two assets as equal.

Be careful trading retirement for the house

The marital home often feels like safety during an uncertain time.

I understand why.

It holds routines, memories, children’s bedrooms, neighborhood ties, and a sense of continuity when everything else feels unsettled.

But home equity and retirement assets serve very different purposes.

A house gives you somewhere to live and can appreciate over time. It also requires cash for taxes, insurance, maintenance, repairs, and often a mortgage.

Retirement assets are meant to support your future self.

Keeping the house can be the right decision. It should be a financial decision as well as an emotional one.

Ask what keeping the house does to your monthly cash flow. Then ask what giving up retirement assets means at age 60, 70, or 80.

Run both numbers.

Future you deserves a seat at the table too.

Watch for concentration risk

Divorce can leave one spouse with too much wealth tied to one asset.

You might keep the business you spent twenty years building but give up diversified investments to fund the buyout. Or you might keep several investment properties and retain very little outside real estate.

That can be intentional.

It should also be understood.

Ask:

“If this asset lost significant value, what would happen to my overall financial security?”

Protecting what you built sometimes means making sure your future does not depend too heavily on one asset, one market, one tenant, one company, or one version of the future.

Run the five- and ten-year test

Divorce naturally pulls attention toward today’s problems.

Where will I live? Can I afford my expenses? Can I keep my business? How much support will I receive or pay?

Those questions matter. They are immediate for a reason.

But before accepting a settlement, look further ahead.

What happens when support ends? Can you continue saving for retirement? Does the house still make sense after the children leave? What happens if the business has a difficult year? What if you want to work less?

A settlement that works only under today’s assumptions can leave very little flexibility for tomorrow.

Model your options before choosing

One advantage of mediation and collaborative divorce is the ability to explore different financial structures before committing to one.

Instead of negotiating one asset at a time, compare complete settlement scenarios.

What happens if you keep the business and your spouse receives more investments?

What changes if you sell the house instead of funding a buyout?

Could payments for a business or property interest happen over time instead of forcing an immediate sale?

How does each option affect cash flow, taxes, liquidity, debt, and retirement security?

A financial neutral, CPA, financial planner, or other appropriate professional can help model alternatives.

The objective is not to predict the future perfectly. The objective is to make today’s decisions with a clearer understanding of tomorrow’s consequences.

Protect what you built and what you are building next

Throughout this Protect What You Built series, we have looked at how wealth can disappear during divorce, the complexity hidden inside real estate, and why capital gains and tax basis matter when dividing property.

All of these issues point to the same conclusion.

A good divorce settlement does not simply divide the marital balance sheet. It gives each person a realistic opportunity to move forward financially.

At Telfer Family Law & Mediation, I help clients use collaborative divorce and mediation to evaluate the legal, financial, tax, and practical consequences of their options before making final decisions.

If you are considering divorce and want to protect what you have built, contact us to schedule a consultation. Let’s talk about a process that does more than divide your past. It should help you plan, thoughtfully and clearly, for what comes next.

You do not protect what you built by fighting for every asset. You protect it by understanding which assets will best serve the life you are building next.

This article provides general educational information and is not legal, tax, financial, or investment advice. Individual circumstances vary. Consult appropriate professionals regarding your situation.

Understanding Capital Gains Before You Divide Property

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When dividing property in divorce, it is easy to focus on one number:

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What is the asset worth today?

For entrepreneurs, professionals, and high-net-worth families, that number does not always tell the full story. A more useful question is:

What will this asset actually be worth to me after taxes, costs, and liquidity are considered?

Consider a simple example.

One spouse receives $500,000 in cash. The other receives a brokerage account worth $500,000.

Equal division?

Not necessarily.

If the investments in the brokerage account were purchased for $250,000, the account carries $250,000 of unrealized gain. If those investments are sold later, capital gains taxes can reduce what the owner actually keeps.

The same issue can arise with rental properties, vacation homes, investment accounts, business interests, and other appreciated assets.

Market value and tax basis are different numbers

To understand capital gains, start with tax basis.

Very generally, tax basis begins with what was paid for an asset, although improvements, depreciation, refinancings, and other events can change that number over time. When an asset is sold, the difference between the adjusted tax basis and the sale proceeds generally helps determine the taxable gain.

Imagine a vacation home purchased during the marriage for $400,000 that is now worth $1 million. The marital balance sheet might show a $1 million asset, but that property also carries unrealized appreciation.

Now compare that with $1 million in cash.

Same current value. Very different after-tax reality.

That distinction matters when building a thoughtful divorce settlement.

Rental property: appreciation is only part of the story

Rental properties deserve special attention because the tax picture can be more complicated than market value alone.

Suppose you and your spouse bought a rental property years ago for $350,000. Today it is worth $900,000.

At first glance, it can seem simple to assign the property to one spouse and offset the value with other assets. But depreciation claimed during the marriage can reduce adjusted tax basis and create additional tax consequences when the property is eventually sold.

Capital improvements, refinancings, and rental history can also affect the final picture.

Before accepting a rental property in divorce, ask:

What is the current adjusted tax basis? How much depreciation has been claimed? What could the tax consequences look like if I sell this property in five years?

You do not need to predict the exact sale date. You do need to understand the asset you are receiving.

Brokerage accounts: look underneath the balance

Brokerage accounts create the same issue in a less obvious way.

Imagine two taxable investment accounts, each worth $750,000. One holds investments with an approximate cost basis of $700,000. The other holds investments purchased years ago with an approximate cost basis of $300,000.

On paper, they look equal.

They are not necessarily equal.

The first account carries about $50,000 of built-in gain. The second carries about $450,000. If those investments are sold later, the person receiving the second account can face a much larger tax bill.

That does not make the second account a bad asset. It means the full picture matters.

Before dividing brokerage accounts, look at cost basis, unrealized gains or losses, tax lots, concentrated stock positions, and whether either spouse expects to sell investments soon after divorce.

Sometimes investments can be divided in a way that shares both current value and embedded tax exposure more fairly.

Vacation homes: memories can cloud the numbers

Vacation homes are difficult because they are both valuable and emotional.

A mountain cabin, beach house, or family retreat can hold years of traditions. Children learned to ski there. Holidays happened there. Friends gathered there. The property can represent a chapter of family life no one feels ready to close.

That emotional value is real.

The financial picture still needs to be clear.

Before deciding to keep a vacation home, understand what was paid for it, what improvements were made, whether it was ever rented, how it has been treated for tax purposes, and what would happen financially if you needed to sell it several years after divorce.

Keeping the property can still be the right choice. The point is to make that choice with the tax consequences visible, not hidden.

Divorce does not necessarily erase the tax

A common misconception is that transferring an appreciated asset between spouses during divorce resets the tax basis to current market value.

Generally, that is not how it works.

Qualifying transfers between spouses or former spouses incident to divorce are generally not treated as taxable sales at the time of transfer. In many cases, the person receiving the asset also receives the existing tax basis.

In practical terms, the tax is often deferred, not eliminated.

If you receive an appreciated asset in the divorce and sell it later, you can be the person who experiences the tax consequences tied to appreciation that occurred during the marriage.

That is why tax basis deserves a place beside fair market value on the financial spreadsheet.

Should every asset be discounted for future taxes?

Not automatically.

An asset might not be sold for decades. Tax laws can change. Future circumstances can affect how the asset is treated. Automatically subtracting hypothetical future taxes from every appreciated asset can create its own distortions.

The goal is not to assign a perfect future tax bill to every asset.

The goal is to identify meaningful tax differences before settlement, so each person understands what they are actually receiving.

For significant assets, a CPA, tax attorney, financial neutral, or other qualified professional can help model potential outcomes.

Ask a better question before you say yes

Before accepting an appreciated asset in a divorce settlement, ask:

“If I needed to turn this asset into spendable money, what would I actually have?”

That question reveals what a simple net-worth statement can miss.

Capital gains. Depreciation. Transaction costs. Liquidity concerns. Tax exposure. The real economic value of an asset after divorce.

For women who have spent years building businesses, investments, and financial security, these details matter. A settlement can look fair on paper and still create problems later.

Protect what you built

A thoughtful property division is not simply about dividing today’s market values.

It is about understanding what you are receiving, what comes with it, and how that asset fits into your financial life after divorce.

If your marital estate includes appreciated real estate, rental properties, vacation homes, brokerage accounts, business interests, or other significant investments, tax consequences should be discussed early, not after the settlement has already been signed.

At Telfer Family Law & Mediation, I help clients use collaborative divorce and mediation to evaluate their options with the legal, financial, and tax implications in mind. When appropriate, financial and tax professionals can be included so important questions are addressed before decisions become final.

If you are considering divorce and want to protect the wealth you have built, contact us to schedule a consultation and learn more about a divorce process designed around informed financial decision-making.

Protect what you built by understanding not only what an asset is worth today, but what it is actually worth to you.

This article provides general educational information and is not legal, tax, financial, or investment advice. Tax laws are complex and individual circumstances vary. Consult qualified legal and tax professionals about your specific situation.

The Real Estate Trap in Divorce: Protecting the Properties You Built Together

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For many successful couples, real estate represents a significant part of the wealth built during the marriage.

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It is how much wealth disappears while the divorce is happening.The family home. A vacation property. A rental purchased years ago. Several investment properties acquired as part of a long-term plan.

When divorce begins, the conversation can sound deceptively simple:

“You keep this property. I’ll keep that one.”

Or:

“We’ll sell it and divide the proceeds.”

Real estate rarely works that neatly.

A property’s value on the marital balance sheet tells only part of the story. Debt, financing, taxes, repairs, rental income, market conditions, transaction costs, and deadlines can change what the property is actually worth to the person receiving it.

If real estate represents a meaningful part of your wealth, protecting what you built means looking beyond equity.

Equal equity does not mean equal value

Suppose two investment properties each show $500,000 of equity.

It might seem reasonable for each spouse to receive one.

But what if one property was purchased recently and the other was purchased twenty years ago with substantial appreciation? What if one needs major repairs? What if one has reliable tenants and positive cash flow while the other regularly operates at a loss?

On the spreadsheet, the equity looks the same.

In real life, the properties can behave very differently.

A thoughtful real estate division looks at current value and debt, but also cash flow, tax history, financing, maintenance, tenant quality, management burden, and future risk.

Do not ignore tax basis and depreciation

Appreciated real estate can carry significant tax consequences.

If a rental property was purchased for $300,000 and is now worth $1 million, the potential tax impact should be understood before deciding who receives it.

Rental and investment properties can be especially complicated because depreciation claimed during the marriage can affect adjusted tax basis and create tax consequences when the property is eventually sold.

The marital residence raises different questions. Federal tax law can allow qualifying homeowners to exclude some gain from the sale of a principal residence, but ownership, occupancy, timing, and post-divorce arrangements all matter.

The important point is simple:

A property’s fair market value and its after-tax economic value are not always the same thing.

Before agreeing to a real estate division, understand the tax basis, appreciation, depreciation history, and likely tax issues with an appropriate tax professional.

“I’ll keep the house” is only the beginning

Keeping a property usually requires more than assigning it to one spouse in the divorce agreement.

What happens to the mortgage?

Can the spouse receiving the property assume the existing loan? Does the loan need to be refinanced? Is the current interest rate far better than anything available now? When must the refinancing happen?

An agreement that simply says one spouse will “refinance the home” can leave both spouses financially connected long after the divorce.

A careful settlement should answer practical questions before they become expensive ones.

What happens if refinancing is not completed within six months? What happens if a mortgage payment is missed while both spouses remain obligated on the loan? When must the property be listed for sale?

If a sale becomes necessary, the agreement should also address who chooses the real estate agent, how the listing price is set, when price reductions occur, and how offers are evaluated.

These details can feel tedious during negotiations.

Six months later, they can matter very much.

Yesterday’s appraisal is not tomorrow’s sale price

Real estate values move, and divorce negotiations can take time.

A property appraised at $1.5 million early in the process might not sell for that amount a year later. In a softening housing market, the difference can be significant.

This creates risk when one spouse buys out the other based on an older valuation.

Ask how recent the appraisal is. Review comparable sales. Look at how long similar properties are staying on the market. Notice whether sellers are reducing prices.

For high-value properties, even modest market shifts translate into meaningful dollars.

A 5% change in the value of a $2 million property is $100,000.

That is not a rounding error.

Rental properties require a different conversation

Rental and investment properties are not just real estate. In many ways, they operate like small businesses.

Before deciding who keeps one, understand how it actually performs.

Look at rental income, vacancies, property-management fees, insurance, taxes, repairs, capital improvements, financing, tenant deposits, leases, and anticipated maintenance. Also consider who has historically managed the property.

If your spouse handled everything from finding tenants to coordinating repairs, receiving the rental property can mean receiving a new job along with an asset.

On the other hand, a well-managed property with favorable financing and reliable cash flow can remain an important part of long-term wealth.

Look at the economics of the property, not simply the equity.

Selling does not make the details disappear

Sometimes selling is the best solution.

But “we’ll sell the property and divide the proceeds” is not a complete plan.

Someone still needs to determine when the property will be listed, whether repairs should be completed first, who pays carrying costs, how offers are evaluated, and when the price should be reduced if the property does not sell.

There are also transaction costs. Real estate commissions, closing costs, repairs, mortgage payoffs, taxes, and other expenses can make the actual proceeds very different from the equity shown on the marital balance sheet.

When evaluating whether to keep or sell, focus on anticipated net proceeds, not just market value minus the mortgage.

Does the property still fit your future?

Real estate can carry enormous emotional weight.

The family home can represent stability. A vacation property can hold decades of memories. An investment property can reflect years of careful planning and sacrifice.

That emotional value is real.

The question is whether the property still fits the life you are building after divorce.

Some of my favorite questions to ask clients are:

If you did not already own this property, would you choose to buy it today?

Would you take out this mortgage now?

Would you invest this much of your net worth in this property?

Would you choose to manage these rentals?

Would you want this much of your future cash flow tied to real estate?

These questions can shift the conversation from:

“What am I entitled to keep?”

to:

“What will best protect the wealth and life I am building next?”

Protect the value, not just the property

Real estate can be one of the most valuable assets accumulated during a marriage. It is also one of the easiest to oversimplify during divorce.

If real estate represents a significant part of your wealth, do not wait until the settlement is nearly finished to ask the hard questions. Understanding the financial, tax, and practical consequences early can create more options and help avoid expensive decisions that are difficult to undo.

At Telfer Family Law & Mediation, I work with individuals and couples through collaborative divorce and mediation to develop thoughtful solutions for homes, rental properties, investment real estate, businesses, and other complex assets.

Considering divorce and wondering what should happen to your real estate?

Contact us to schedule a consultation. We can help you identify the questions to ask and explore a divorce process designed to protect what you have built.

Protecting what you built does not always mean keeping the property. Sometimes it means making sure the value you created in that property survives the divorce.

This article provides general educational information and is not legal, tax, financial, or investment advice. Individual circumstances and tax consequences vary. Consult appropriate legal and tax professionals regarding your situation.

Hidden Ways Wealth Disappears During Divorce

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For successful women, entrepreneurs, executives, and high-net-worth individuals, one of the biggest financial risks in divorce is not only how assets are divided.

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It is how much wealth disappears while the divorce is happening.

You may have spent decades building a business, growing investments, buying real estate, saving for retirement, and creating financial security. During divorce, the natural question is:

“What will I receive?”

In my work with clients, I often find another question just as important:

“How much of what we built will still exist when this is over?”

Taxes, professional fees, poorly timed sales, delay, and decisions made from fear or frustration can quietly consume wealth. Protecting what you built requires more than reading the balance sheet.

It requires looking at what the process itself is doing to the estate.

Value on paper is not always value in your pocket

Two assets can each show a value of $500,000 and still create very different outcomes.

One might be cash. The other might be an investment account with significant unrealized gains. Another might be a traditional retirement account with future tax consequences. A business interest, stock option, or appreciated real estate holding can create a different set of questions again.

The balance sheet gives you a starting point.

It does not always tell you what each person will actually have after taxes, costs, timing, and liquidity are considered.

That matters because a settlement that divides $4 million equally on paper does not always create two financially equivalent $2 million futures.

Taxes should be part of the settlement conversation

Tax consequences should not be discovered after the divorce agreement is already signed.

For high-net-worth families, property division can involve businesses, investment accounts, retirement assets, real estate, executive compensation, and other assets with different tax characteristics. How those assets are divided, and sometimes when they are transferred or sold, can change the outcome in meaningful ways.

The point is not for every client to become a tax expert.

The point is to bring the right professionals into the conversation early enough that the settlement reflects what each person is actually receiving.

Professional fees can become their own form of wealth destruction

Complex divorces often require sophisticated advice. Attorneys, financial professionals, tax advisors, appraisers, and business valuation experts can provide enormous value.

They should also be used thoughtfully.

When each spouse hires separate professionals to answer the same financial questions, or when every disagreement becomes a legal fight, fees can consume wealth that could otherwise support two households, fund retirement, preserve a business, or provide future security.

The answer is not to avoid professionals.

The answer is to use the right professionals in the right roles.

In collaborative divorce, for example, spouses can sometimes jointly retain a neutral financial professional to gather information once, analyze assets and tax issues, and model settlement options. That can help the attorneys and clients focus resources on solving the problem instead of duplicating the work.

Emotion has a financial cost too

When people think about emotions costing money in divorce, they often imagine dramatic spending or open conflict.

The cost is often quieter.

It can look like fighting for an asset because giving it up feels like losing. It can look like keeping a house because leaving feels unbearable, even when the ongoing costs threaten future security. It can also look like avoiding decisions because the financial picture feels too painful to face.

Divorce brings grief, fear, anger, and ambivalence. Those emotions deserve care.

But putting your head in the sand does not freeze your finances.

During a prolonged separation, couples may maintain two households while remaining financially tied together. Debt can grow. Business decisions can stall. Investment choices can drift. Professional fees can rise as the same issues are revisited again and again.

For entrepreneurs, uncertainty can be especially expensive because decisions about compensation, distributions, hiring, debt, growth, and reinvestment still need to happen.

This does not mean rushing.

There is a difference between thoughtful pacing and avoidance. A good process gives you time to make sound decisions while still moving forward.

Forced sales can destroy value

A marital estate can be valuable without being liquid.

That is often true when wealth is concentrated in a closely held business, real estate, or long-term investments. If one spouse needs immediate cash to fund a buyout, the result might be selling investments at the wrong time, triggering unnecessary taxes, taking on expensive debt, or disrupting a business that both spouses depend on for value.

Instead of asking only:

“How do we divide everything today?”

It can be more useful to ask:

“How do we structure this settlement so we preserve as much value as possible?”

Installment payments, offsets with other assets, deferred payments, or carefully structured solutions can sometimes protect wealth that an immediate liquidation would damage.

A fair settlement can still be a poor financial decision

A settlement can look fair and still fail the future.

Keeping the house might feel like security, but not if the mortgage, taxes, repairs, and insurance leave too little cash flow for retirement. Receiving a large investment portfolio might look attractive, but not if you do not understand its tax basis, concentration risk, or liquidity.

Instead of asking only:

“Did I get half?”

Ask:

“Will what I receive help me build the life I want five, ten, and twenty years from now?”

That question changes the conversation.

It moves the focus from winning assets to preserving financial strength.

Protect what you built

Divorce changes finances. Unnecessary destruction of wealth is not inevitable.

For entrepreneurs, professionals, and high-net-worth families, the divorce process should consider the legal, financial, tax, and emotional consequences of major decisions. The goal is not simply to divide numbers in a spreadsheet. The goal is to preserve resources where possible and create a financially sustainable path forward.

At Telfer Family Law & Mediation, I help clients explore collaborative divorce and mediation approaches designed to support informed decisions, reduce unnecessary conflict, and protect the wealth they worked hard to build.

You worked hard to create what you have.

Your divorce process should help protect it, not unnecessarily consume it.

This article is for general educational purposes and does not constitute legal, tax, financial, or investment advice. Consult appropriate professionals regarding your individual circumstances.

The Hidden Cost of Financial Avoidance: Why Looking Away Can Make Divorce More Expensive

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I witness one phenomenon in many of my clients over and over: the avoidance of financial decisions. Do you know why?

Many people do not avoid financial decisions because they are irresponsible. They avoid them because they are overwhelmed.

As a collaborative divorce attorney and mediator, I have met with countless individuals who are intelligent, successful, and fully capable of managing complex situations. Yet when it comes to their own finances during divorce, they tell me things like:

“I just can’t bring myself to look at the bank statements.”

“I’ve let my spouse handle all of that for years.”

“I know I need to deal with it, but every time I sit down, I feel paralyzed.”

If you’ve ever felt that way, you are certainly not alone.

Financial avoidance is incredibly common during divorce, but it can also be one of the most expensive habits to carry through the process.

Avoidance is usually about emotion, not money

People often assume that someone who avoids financial matters simply lacks knowledge or discipline. In my experience, that is rarely the case. More often, I see that their financial avoidance is rooted in fear.

Fear of discovering the extent of the debt, of making a costly mistake, and very often the fear of conflict with a spouse. There is also the fear that life after divorce will not be financially secure. Sometimes, simply opening a financial statement feels like acknowledging that the marriage is truly ending.

That is a heavy emotional burden.

Successful women are not immune

One of the biggest misconceptions I see many clients having is that professional success automatically translates into financial confidence during divorce.

Believe me, it doesn’t.

I have worked with physicians who confidently make life-and-death decisions every day but feel overwhelmed reviewing retirement accounts.

I’ve worked with business owners who negotiate complex contracts with ease but postpone gathering financial documents because the emotional weight feels too great.

The issue has nothing to do with the lack intelligence. What we witness is emotional overload.

Small delays become expensive problems

Financial avoidance often starts with something small.

“I’ll review that statement tomorrow.”

“I’ll respond to my attorney next week.”

“I’ll gather those documents when I have more time.”

Days become weeks.

Weeks become months.

Meanwhile, opportunities can be lost.

Important financial records may become more difficult to locate.

Settlement discussions stall.

Attorney’s fees increase because professionals spend additional time following up or recreating missing information. In some cases, decisions end up being made under unnecessary time pressure because there is no longer enough time for thoughtful planning.

The cost of avoidance is rarely obvious in the beginning – it accumulates quietly.

Knowledge creates confidence

One of my favorite moments with clients is when they realize that understanding their finances is not nearly as frightening as they imagined. I often tell clients that information reduces anxiety, and uncertainty fuels it.

The first time someone reviews a balance sheet or cash-flow summary with a financial neutral, I can almost see the tension leave the room because the unknown becomes known. And once people understand where they stand financially, they begin making decisions with much greater confidence.

Progress is better than perfection

You do not have to understand every tax return before your first meeting.

You do not need perfectly organized files.

You do not have to become a financial expert overnight.

You simply need to begin.

One document. One account. One question. One conversation.

Small steps build momentum.

Momentum builds confidence.

Confidence leads to better decisions.

The Collaborative Process Encourages Understanding

One of the reasons I appreciate the collaborative process is that clients are not expected to figure everything out on their own.

  • Financial professionals help organize information.
  • Attorneys explain legal implications.
  • Divorce coaches help clients manage the emotional stress that often interferes with decision-making.

Rather than making decisions from a place of fear, clients are supported in making informed decisions based on reliable information.

That support often transforms anxiety into confidence.

You deserve to understand your financial future

Whether you have managed the family finances for years or your spouse has always handled the numbers, this is your opportunity to understand your financial picture. No need to become an accountant, but you deserve to make decisions from a place of knowledge rather than fear.

Divorce is difficult enough. Financial uncertainty should not make it harder.

Some final thoughts

💡Avoiding financial decisions may provide temporary relief, but it often creates greater stress—and greater expense—over time.

💡The sooner you begin gathering information and asking questions, the more options you are likely to have.

Remember, you do not have to know everything before you move forward. You simply have to be willing to take the first step.

Ready to take that first step?

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by the financial side of divorce, you don’t have to navigate it alone.

Whether you’re a business owner, physician, executive, or simply someone who wants to better understand your options, the right guidance can help you move from uncertainty to confidence.

If you’re considering divorce or are already in the process, I invite you to schedule a consultation. Together, we can develop a thoughtful plan that protects your financial future, reduces unnecessary conflict, and helps you make informed decisions with clarity and confidence.

With care,

Diana

The Entrepreneur’s Money Personality: Why Business Owners Experience Divorce Differently

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Owning a business changes the way you think about money.

As a collaborative divorce attorney and mediator, I have worked with many entrepreneurs over the years. Whether they own a medical practice, law firm, construction company, consulting business, salon, or technology startup, I often notice something they have in common.

They do not see money the same way many other people do.

That difference can become especially apparent during divorce.

Unfortunately, it is also one of the most misunderstood aspects of negotiating a fair settlement.

A business is more than an asset

When someone who has never owned a business looks at a company, they often see an asset with a dollar value. Business owners rarely see it that way.

They see years of long hours, sleepless nights, financial risk, personal sacrifice, and countless decisions that shaped what the business has become. Many entrepreneurs remember working without a paycheck, borrowing against their home, or missing family vacations because the business needed them.

The business often represents more than income – it’s their identity, purpose, and achievement. And for many, the opportunity to create financial security for themselves and their families.

That emotional connection does not mean the business cannot or should not be valued. It simply means that understanding its significance is an important part of reaching a durable resolution.

Entrepreneurs think differently about money

One of the biggest differences I notice is that entrepreneurs often prioritize long-term growth over short-term security. Someone else may see cash sitting in a business account and assume it is available to divide.

The business owner may already have mentally committed those funds to payroll, inventory, equipment, taxes, marketing, or future expansion.

Likewise, an entrepreneur may willingly invest every available dollar back into the business because they see opportunity where others see risk.

Neither perspective is necessarily right or wrong.They are simply different ways of viewing money.

Cash Flow is not the same as wealth

Another common misconception is that business owners are “cash rich.” In reality, many successful businesses are asset-rich but cash-flow dependent.

Revenue can fluctuate. Clients may pay slowly. Equipment may need replacing. Employees depend on payroll being met every two weeks.

Business owners often live with financial uncertainty that employees never experience. Understanding those realities is essential when discussing property division, support, or business valuation.

Divorce can affect more than the owners

Unlike many marital assets, a business often impacts people beyond the divorcing couple.

Employees, customers, business partners, vendors, and professional reputation. The decisions made during a divorce can ripple through an entire organization.

That is one reason I encourage business owners to approach divorce strategically rather than emotionally. Protecting the business often protects many other people as well.

Litigation can be expensive in more than one way

Court litigation can require extensive document production, multiple depositions, business valuations, and expert testimony. But beyond the legal expense, there is another cost that is harder to measure: time.

Every hour spent preparing for litigation is an hour not spent serving clients, leading employees, or growing the business. For entrepreneurs, lost focus can become one of the most expensive consequences of a prolonged divorce.

Why Collaborative Divorce can be especially effective for business owners

One of the reasons I enjoy working with business owners in the collaborative process is that it allows everyone to focus on solving problems rather than creating them.

Instead of treating the business as a prize to be won, the conversation shifts to questions like:

  • How do we preserve the value of the business?
  • How do we ensure both spouses have the financial information they need?
  • How can we structure a settlement that is fair without jeopardizing the company’s future?
  • How do we minimize unnecessary taxes and transaction costs?
  • How do we protect employees, clients, and ongoing operations?

When financial professionals, attorneys, and, when appropriate, business valuation experts work together, the process often becomes more efficient and far less disruptive.

Remember why you started

One of the questions I sometimes ask business owners is this:

“Why did you build this business in the first place?”

Very few answer, “So I could fight over it in court.”

Most tell me they wanted freedom.

To provide for their family.

To create opportunities for others.

To leave something meaningful behind.

Those goals are worth remembering during divorce. The way a business is handled during the divorce process can influence not only its future but also the next chapter of both spouses’ lives.

Some final thoughts

Entrepreneurs are accustomed to solving difficult problems. They adapt, innovate, and persevere. Those same qualities can serve them well during divorce.

The key is recognizing that the business is more than a financial asset. It is a living enterprise that deserves thoughtful planning and informed decision-making.

When both spouses understand the unique financial realities of owning a business, they are often better equipped to reach solutions that preserve value, reduce conflict, and create a stronger foundation for moving forward.

Ready to protect what you’ve built?

If you own a business and are considering divorce, the choices you make early in the process can have lasting financial consequences—for you, your family, and your business.

Collaborative divorce offers business owners an opportunity to resolve issues privately, preserve business value, and make informed decisions with the support of experienced legal and financial professionals.

If you would like to learn whether collaborative divorce is the right fit for your situation, I invite you to schedule a consultation. Together, we can explore options that protect what you’ve worked so hard to build while helping you move forward with confidence and dignity.

~Diana

We want to mediate because we do not want attorneys involved!

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I hear a version of the same comment regularly from couples who contact me about mediation:

“We want to mediate because we do not want attorneys involved.”

As an attorney myself, that statement always gets my attention.

Usually, what they mean is not that attorneys have nothing valuable to offer. They are worried that bringing attorneys into the process will make things more adversarial, more complicated, and more expensive. They have heard the nightmare stories from friends and family—divorces that dragged on for years, legal fees that spiraled, and disagreements that became battles once the lawyers became involved. They do not want a disagreement they believe they can work through together to turn into a legal fight.

And sometimes, unfortunately, that fear is justified.

Attorneys are trained to identify risk. We anticipate what might go wrong and try to protect our clients from it. That is an important part of our job. But in family law, there is a danger in treating every future possibility as something that must be prevented.

Sometimes, in our effort to protect clients from future conflict, we create rigidity that can actually make future conflict more likely.

A Parenting Plan Cannot Predict a Child’s Entire Childhood

A recent change to Utah’s custody statutes provides a good example.

For parenting plans involving young children, Utah law now recognizes that a child turning five may constitute a substantial change in circumstances warranting a review of parent-time, unless the parenting plan or order provides otherwise.

I have already heard attorneys approach this change from the perspective of:

“We need to put language in the agreement so the other parent cannot come back when the child turns five.”

My question is: Why?

Why is returning to the parenting plan when a child turns five necessarily a bad thing?

Certainly, there are families where repeated litigation is a serious concern. If parents have a history of high conflict, coercive behavior, repeated litigation, or an inability to make decisions together, creating greater certainty may be appropriate.

But that is not every family.

For many parents, revisiting a parenting plan as their child grows may be entirely reasonable.

A parenting schedule that works beautifully for a two-year-old may not be the best schedule for a five-year-old starting kindergarten. And what works for a five-year-old may need adjustment when that child is ten, fourteen, or sixteen.

Children change.

Their school schedules change. Their activities change. Their friendships become more important. Their developmental needs change. Parents’ work schedules and living circumstances may change too.

When parents divorce while their children are young, we are asking them to make decisions today about children they have not met yet—the future versions of their children.

No parent knows exactly what a three-year-old will need when that child is thirteen.

So why should every parenting plan be designed as though the goal is to make future conversations as difficult as possible?

There Is a Difference Between Stability and Rigidity

Children need stability. Parents also need predictability.

But stability does not necessarily require rigidity.

A well-designed parenting plan can provide a dependable structure while also recognizing that families evolve. Rather than trying to prevent parents from revisiting their agreement, we can help them develop a process for doing so constructively.

For example, parents can agree to periodically review their parenting plan as their children reach important developmental stages. They can identify circumstances that should prompt a conversation. They can agree to consult with a child-development professional, parenting-plan specialist, mediator, or other neutral professional before anyone considers going to court.

Most importantly, they can be educated about the difference between reviewing an agreement and fighting over an agreement.

Those are not the same thing.

What If We Designed Parenting Plans for Healthy Change?

Instead of asking:

“How do we prevent the other parent from ever trying to change this?”

Perhaps we should also ask:

“How can these parents address change without turning it into a legal battle?”

That is a very different question.

It shifts the focus from protecting a client against the other parent to helping both parents build a framework for solving future problems.

A parenting plan might say, in substance:

As the children grow and their developmental, educational, social, or extracurricular needs change, the parents recognize that the parenting schedule may need to evolve. The parents will periodically review the schedule and discuss whether modifications would better serve the children’s needs.

The agreement could then provide a dispute-resolution process if the parents cannot agree—perhaps consultation with a neutral professional followed by mediation before either parent seeks court intervention, where legally appropriate.

That does not eliminate disagreement. Nothing can.

What it does is give parents a roadmap for disagreement.

Attorneys Can Help Families Build Problem-Solving Skills

I believe one of the most valuable things a family law attorney can do is help clients understand that not every future risk needs to be eliminated.

Some risks should be managed by creating good processes rather than erecting legal barriers.

When we draft an agreement solely around the question, “How do I protect my client if the other parent becomes unreasonable?” we may inadvertently create an agreement designed around fear.

But what if these parents are reasonable?

What if they become more cooperative after the divorce is over and the emotional intensity of the separation has passed?

What if their child simply needs something different five years from now?

For many families, the better question may be:

“How do we create enough structure to provide stability while preserving enough flexibility to respond to the children we actually have—not the children we are trying to predict today?”

That is one reason I believe mediation and collaborative divorce can be so valuable. The goal is not simply to resolve today’s legal issues. It is to help families develop agreements and problem-solving processes that can continue working long after the professionals are gone.

Perhaps the measure of a good parenting plan should not be whether it prevents parents from ever coming back to the table.

Perhaps it should be whether, when life inevitably changes, they know how to come back to the table without going to war.

With deep care,

Diana

Photo Credit: A storm approaching, captured by my dear friend Carolyn Storey

Why Even the Most Successful Women Struggle with Financial Decisions During Divorce

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As a collaborative divorce attorney and mediator, I have worked with many women who are extraordinary decision-makers.

They own successful businesses. They perform surgeries. They manage large organizations. They negotiate complex contracts. They lead teams, make payroll, solve difficult problems, and confidently make decisions involving hundreds of thousands—or even millions—of dollars. And many of them are raising children, too.

Then divorce happens.

Suddenly, the woman who confidently runs a company tells me, “I’m not great with my personal finances and am afraid of making the wrong decision.”

The physician who makes life-changing decisions every day worries she will overlook something important.

The executive who negotiates multimillion-dollar contracts second-guesses herself over whether to keep the house or how retirement accounts should be divided.

If this sounds familiar, you are not alone. And more importantly, let me tell you, there is nothing wrong with you!

Divorce is different

People often assume that financial decisions are logical exercises and that divorce should just be like any ordinary business transaction. If that were true, divorce would be much easier.

But divorce is not just about finances. It is about your future, your children, your home, your identity, and the life you imagined. The financial decisions are wrapped inside one of the most significant emotional transitions a person can experience.

I have seen this time and again

One of the things that has surprised me throughout my career is how often highly accomplished women underestimate themselves during divorce. I have represented women who successfully built thriving companies from the ground up, but questioned whether they deserved their share of the marital estate.

Others have spent years managing family finances while still saying, “My husband understands the money better than I do.” Sometimes that is true. More often, it reflects confidence that has quietly eroded over years of one spouse taking the lead on financial matters or making the final decisions.

Professional competence and financial confidence within a marriage are not always the same thing.

Why confidence changes during divorce

Several factors tend to converge at once.

  • Every Decision Feels Permanent
  • Business decisions can usually be adjusted.
  • Markets change.
  • Strategies evolve.
  • New opportunities emerge.

Many divorce decisions, however, are difficult—or impossible—to undo. That fact naturally creates more anxiety.

The stakes feel personal

Selling a business is one thing. Deciding whether to keep the family home where your children grew up is something entirely different.

One decision affects a balance sheet, the other touches memories, identity, and family.

Decision fatigue is real

Divorce requires an astonishing number of decisions.

Housing. Parenting schedules. Insurance. Taxes. Retirement. Businesses. Real estate. Support. Budgets. College expenses. Personal property….

Many women continue managing demanding careers while simultaneously making dozens of significant personal decisions. Eventually, even excellent decision-makers become exhausted.

Women often carry invisible responsibilities

Many professional women continue carrying much of the family’s emotional labor during divorce. They are helping children adjust, managing school schedules, supporting aging parents, keeping employees focused, and serving clients or patients.

They are trying to maintain normalcy while privately grieving the end of a marriage. By the time they sit down to review financial documents, they are already mentally exhausted. This is the weight of carrying so much.

The fear of making a costly mistake

One comment I hear frequently is: “What if I agree to something I’ll regret five years from now?” Well, that is a reasonable question as divorce often requires people to make decisions based on uncertain future events.

Will the housing market change? Will interest rates fall? Will my business continue to grow? Will my income stay the same?

The truth is that no one has perfect information. However, good decisions are rarely about perfectly predicting the future; they are about making thoughtful, informed decisions based on the best information available today.

This is one reason I value the Collaborative Process

One of the reasons I chose to focus my practice on collaborative divorce and mediation is that it allows clients the time and support to make informed decisions.

Instead of rushing to prepare for court, collaborative divorce encourages assembling the right professionals to answer difficult questions.

Financial neutrals can help analyze settlement options.

Divorce coaches can help clients separate fear from decision-making.

Attorneys provide legal advice and help clients understand the long-term consequences of various choices.

No one is expected to have all the answers alone.

You do not have to prove anything

Perhaps the most important thing I tell successful women is this:

💪🏼 You do not have to prove that you can handle divorce by yourself.

💪🏼 Asking questions is not weakness.

💪🏼 Taking time to understand your options is not indecisiveness.

💪🏼 Seeking guidance from experienced professionals is not failure.

👉🏻 In fact, those are often the very skills that made you successful in your career.

Moving forward with confidence

The goal during divorce is not to make perfect decisions; we aim to make thoughtful ones. That requires information, perspective, and time.

And sometimes a team of professionals can help you see issues from multiple angles before making permanent choices.

I have watched many women begin the divorce process feeling uncertain and overwhelmed. Months later, they leave with something far more valuable than a settlement agreement.

They leave with confidence because they understood the decisions they were making. That confidence often becomes the foundation for the next chapter of their lives.

Looking ahead

In next week’s post, I’ll explore why business owners experience divorce differently from other professionals and how protecting a closely held business often requires a very different approach than simply dividing other marital assets.

A note to women business owners and professionals

You have spent years building your career, your reputation, and your financial future. Divorce should not diminish that work. With the right guidance, you can make thoughtful financial decisions that protect both what you’ve built and where you’re going next.

I am here to support you!

Diana.

What’s Your Money Personality? Understanding the Financial Habits That Show Up During Divorce

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After helping hundreds of individuals and couples navigate divorce, I have become convinced of one thing: very few conflicts are actually about money.

They are about what money means.

Over the years, I have sat across the table from couples arguing about retirement accounts, businesses, homes, credit cards, inheritances, and monthly budgets. On the surface, the disagreements appear to be about dollars and cents. But when we slow the conversation down, something deeper almost always emerges.

One spouse is seeking security, the other values freedom.

One sees saving as responsible, the other sees spending as enjoying the life they worked hard to build.

Neither person is necessarily wrong; they have different “money personalities.”

We all have a money story

Long before we marry, we begin developing beliefs about money. Maybe your parents lived paycheck to paycheck, making you determined to save every dollar.

Perhaps you watched a parent lose a business during a recession and learned that financial security should never be taken for granted.

Or maybe your family celebrated life’s milestones through travel, experiences, and generosity, teaching you that money is meant to be enjoyed.

Those early experiences quietly shape our financial habits for decades. Most of us do not even realize we have a money personality until someone close to us approaches money very differently.

I’ve seen this more times than I can count

One of the advantages of practicing collaborative divorce and mediation is that I have the opportunity to hear not only what people are arguing about, but why. I remember early in my career thinking, “If I can just explain the math, this issue will be resolved.”

Ha, let me tell you – it rarely worked. The numbers were rarely the real issue.

Once we started talking about what each person feared, valued, or hoped for, entirely different conversations began to unfold.

A disagreement over selling the family home might actually be about stability for the children.

An argument about retirement accounts might really be about fear of growing older alone.

A dispute over a closely held business may reflect years of sacrifice, identity, and pride rather than simply its appraised value.

Those conversations are far more meaningful—and far more productive—than debating numbers alone.

Common money personalities

While everyone is unique, I often see certain financial tendencies emerge.

The Security Seeker

Security Seekers find comfort in savings, predictable income, and financial stability. During divorce, they may worry about whether there will be “enough,” even when the numbers suggest they will be financially secure.

The Planner

Planners like budgets, spreadsheets, and well-thought-out decisions. Uncertainty can be particularly stressful, making divorce feel overwhelming because so many future decisions remain unknown.

The Entrepreneur

Entrepreneurs often view money as a tool rather than something to preserve. They are comfortable with calculated risk, reinvesting in their business, and focusing on long-term growth instead of short-term security.

This perspective can be difficult for a spouse who places a higher value on certainty.

The Caregiver

Caregivers frequently prioritize everyone else’s needs before their own. During divorce, they may agree to financial arrangements that are less favorable simply to reduce conflict or protect their children.

The Avoider

Some people dislike dealing with financial matters altogether. They may have allowed their spouse to manage household finances throughout the marriage or simply postponed difficult financial conversations.

Unfortunately, avoidance during divorce often increases stress and can lead to costly mistakes.

None of these personalities are “wrong”

One of the most important things I tell clients is this:

Your money personality is not a character flaw.

Every personality has strengths AND blind spots.

Problems arise when we assume our approach is the only reasonable one. When couples begin to understand that they are bringing different financial values into the conversation—not necessarily bad intentions—the tone often changes. Curiosity begins to replace blame.

Divorce doesn’t create these differences

Divorce has a way of shining a bright light on financial habits that may have existed throughout the marriage.

Sometimes couples have successfully balanced one another for years. Sometimes they avoided talking about money altogether. When the marriage ends, however, every financial decision suddenly feels more significant.

That is why understanding your own money personality can be one of the most valuable investments you make during the divorce process.

A few questions for you to consider

As you think about your own relationship with money, ask yourself:

  • What messages about money did I learn growing up?
  • Does financial security bring me peace, or do I value flexibility and opportunity?
  • What financial decisions cause me the greatest anxiety?
  • What am I truly trying to protect?
  • Am I reacting to today’s circumstances, or to experiences from years ago?

There are no right or wrong answers. The goal is simply greater self-awareness.

Some final thoughts

One of the reasons I enjoy practicing collaborative divorce and mediation is that they create space for these deeper conversations. Instead of focusing solely on dividing assets, we have the opportunity to understand the values, fears, and priorities driving each person’s decisions.

Money is important.

But understanding the story behind the money is often what helps people move forward with greater confidence, clarity, and peace.

Next in this month’s series

Next week, I’ll explore why many highly successful women—including business owners, physicians, executives, and other professionals—often find financial decisions during divorce surprisingly difficult, even though they confidently make high-stakes decisions every day in their careers.

If this article resonated with you, follow along as we continue exploring the many ways our relationship with money influences divorce decisions—and how greater awareness can lead to better outcomes for you and your family.” That consistency helps build anticipation for the next installment.

With care,

Diana

Navigating extended Family Expectations after Divorce: Finding Ease, Boundaries, and new Ways to connect

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Holidays can feel especially stressful after divorce, when extended family members still hold ideas about how things “should” look. Their intentions are often loving, but their expectations may no longer fit your family’s reality. The good news: clear boundaries and thoughtful communication can help the season feel calmer, more intentional, and even more meaningful.


Why Expectations feel so heavy

Holiday traditions are deeply rooted in memory and identity. After divorce, extended family members may want to preserve what feels familiar, which can create pressure around:

  • Longstanding gatherings that no longer fit
  • Competing invitations
  • Guilt or disappointment when plans change
  • Difficulty accepting new roles or routines

These reactions are normal, but you are not responsible for recreating a past that no longer exists.

Giving yourself Permission to set Boundaries

Divorce changes logistics and emotional capacity. Boundaries help protect everyone’s well-being, including your children’s.

Healthy boundaries may include:

  • Declining events that complicate schedules
  • Limiting how many gatherings your children attend
  • Asking relatives to celebrate on a different day
  • Keeping parts of the holiday simple or private

You do not need to please everyone. You need to care for your family.

Communicating with Compassion

Clear, kind communication helps extended family understand why things are shifting. Helpful phrases include:

  • “We are adjusting to new routines this year and appreciate your flexibility.”
  • “We are keeping things simple for the kids.”
  • “That tradition meant a lot, but it may not work the same way now.”

Share what your children truly need without over-explaining or apologizing.

Helping Family understand your Children’s Needs

Kids do best with:

  • Predictable routines
  • Low-pressure celebrations
  • Time to relax rather than rushing
  • Emotional breathing room

Quality of connection matters more than sticking to a specific tradition or date.

Creating new Ways to connect

Change also allows creativity. Encourage extended family to explore traditions that better fit your new rhythm:

  • A pre-holiday breakfast
  • A New Year’s cocoa night
  • A simple gift-opening ritual on another day
  • A calm January outing

Sometimes spreading out celebrations makes them more enjoyable.

Releasing Guilt and embracing what works

Guilt is common, but it is not a useful guide. You can prioritize your children and your well-being, even if others need time to adjust.

Remember:

  • You cannot recreate the past.
  • Extended family will adapt.
  • Calm, connected, authentic holidays matter most.

Moving forward TOGETHER

Extended families are resilient. With boundaries and open-hearted communication, relationships can strengthen rather than strain.

Holidays after divorce may look different, but they can still be rich with warmth and connection, because they’re built around what truly works for your family now.

Happy Holidays to you and yours!

With deep care,

Diana

Creating new Traditions: Reimagining the Holidays after Divorce

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The holidays often arrive carrying a bundle of expectations. Some joyful, some heavy, and many shaped by the past. After divorce, families may find that old traditions no longer fit the way they once did. Kids grow, family systems shift, and what once felt warm can suddenly feel complicated or even painful.

Yet this moment of change also holds an extraordinary invitation:

the chance to create new tradition

Traditions, that feel authentic, joyful, and aligned with who your family is becoming.


When holding onto old Traditions becomes a Struggle

It is completely understandable that some parents feel a deep pull to preserve “how we’ve always done it.” Longstanding holiday traditions can carry meaning, nostalgia, and a sense of identity. But after divorce, trying to maintain historic traditions exactly as they were may not be realistic (or healthy!) for anyone involved.

Schedules shift, families blend, logistics change, and the emotional landscape is different. What was once simple may now create tension, conflict, or disappointment. Parents can sometimes become entrenched in positions, insisting on honoring the past to avoid the grief of change. But rigidity often makes the holidays harder, not easier.


And here is the hopeful truth: Children are far more resilient than we often realize.

They do not require perfect replication of past traditions to feel secure or joyful. In fact, many kids appreciate the chance to create new rituals that reflect their current lives and relationships. New traditions can feel exciting, empowering, and freeing.

Letting go of the insistence on “how it used to be” opens space for “what could be” and that shift can bring genuine relief and connection.

Why reinventing Traditions matters

Traditions do more than mark holidays; they help shape a family’s identity. After divorce, children and parents alike may feel unmoored from what once felt familiar. Building new rituals offers stability and belonging. These traditions do not have to be grand; they simply need to feel like you.

When families consciously choose how they celebrate rather than defaulting to “what we’ve always done” they send a powerful message:

We are still a family.

We still celebrate.

We get to define what that looks like.

Seeing Change as an Opening, not a Loss

It is natural to grieve the loss of old traditions. But change does not have to mean emptiness. It can mean creativity, connection, and possibility.

Divorce makes room for:

  • New voices in the planning process
  • New activities that better fit the family now
  • New meaning in how you choose to gather, rest, and celebrate

Parents often discover that releasing unrealistic expectations creates space for genuine ease and joy.

Ideas for new, low-pressure Traditions

New traditions work best when they feel small, doable, and enjoyable not like another item on the holiday to-do list.

Here are a few “bite-sized” ideas some of my clients came up with:

1. A Five-Minute Tradition

Light a candle together and each person shares one thing they are grateful for.


2. The Cozy Tradition

Declare one night “Pajama Holiday,” where everyone wears PJs, eats something simple, and watches a favorite movie or reads aloud.


3. A Tradition of Giving

Choose one meaningful, age-appropriate act of generosity—donating a toy, baking cookies for a neighbor, making cards for a shelter.


4. A Nature Tradition

Take a holiday morning walk, collect leaves or pinecones, or simply breathe fresh air together before the day unfolds.


5. A Creative Ritual

Make or choose an ornament that represents something meaningful from the past year. Over time, the collection becomes a family story.

None of these require elaborate planning, perfect behavior, or an Instagram-worthy backdrop. They simply create a touchstone—a moment that says, we are here, together.

Permission to simplify & savor

The holidays can quickly become performative: perfectly wrapped gifts, elaborate meals, orchestrated schedules. But for families navigating transition, simplicity is often the greatest gift.

Give yourself permission to:

  • Drop traditions that feel heavy
  • Keep only the pieces that bring genuine joy
  • Say no to obligations that drain you
  • Choose rest over perfection

When parents lead with calm and authenticity, children feel it. What they remember years later is rarely the matching outfits or the spotless house—they remember the warmth, the laughter, and the ease of being together.


Reimagining the Holidays as a Family Story in Motion

Traditions are not relics; they are living practices that evolve as families evolve. Divorce may bring an ending, but it also offers a beginning. A chance to craft experiences that reflect who your family is now and where you are headed.

As you reimagine your holidays, trust your instincts.
Start small.
Let go of perfection.
Invite your children into the process.
And savor the moments that feel good.

In doing so, you are not just creating new traditions you are building a strong, resilient family identity rooted in love, creativity, and connection.

Happy Holidays to you and yours!

With warmth,

Diana

Divorce and Family Businesses: Navigating the Challenges

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Family businesses often face unique challenges, especially when personal relationships, such as marriages, dissolve. Divorce can significantly impact both the personal and professional dynamics within a family-run enterprise. Drawing from James Grubman’s insights in Strangers in Paradise: How Families Adapt to Wealth Across Generations, we can explore how families navigate these challenges and adapt to maintain both family harmony and business continuity.

Understanding the Intersection of Family and Business

Grubman emphasizes that families of wealth often experience a cultural shift, akin to immigrants entering a new land of affluence. This transition requires adaptation to new norms and expectations. In the context of a family business, this means recognizing that personal relationships and business operations are deeply intertwined. When a divorce occurs, it doesn’t just signify the end of a personal relationship but can also disrupt established business roles and expectations.

Challenges arising from Divorce in Family Businesses

1. Valuation and Division of Assets

Determining the value of a family business is complex, especially when intangible assets like brand reputation and customer loyalty are involved. Traditional financial statements may not capture the full picture, leading to disputes during asset division.

2. Emotional Entanglement

Family businesses often carry deep emotional significance, making objective decision-making challenging during a divorce. The overlap of family roles and business responsibilities can blur boundaries, leading to conflicts.

3. Impact on Business Operations

Divorce can lead to shifts in leadership and changes in business strategy, potentially destabilizing the company’s operations and affecting employee morale.

Strategies for navigating Divorce in Family Businesses

  • Establish clear Agreements: Implementing prenuptial or postnuptial agreements (https://telferfamilylaw.com/premarital-agreements/) can provide clarity on the division of business assets in the event of a divorce. Such agreements can outline each spouse’s rights and responsibilities, minimizing potential conflicts.
  • Seek professional Guidance: Engaging financial experts or forensic accountants can assist in obtaining an objective valuation of the business, ensuring a fair division of assets.
  • Maintain open Communication: Fostering transparent discussions potentially with the support of a mediator (https://telferfamilylaw.com/mediation/) among family members about the future of the business can help in aligning expectations and mitigating misunderstandings.

Adaptation: The Key to overcoming Challenges

Grubman highlights that adaptation is crucial for families dealing with wealth across generations. In the face of divorce, adapting involves acknowledging the evolving family dynamics and proactively addressing potential business implications. By embracing change and implementing structured strategies, families can navigate the complexities of divorce while preserving the integrity and success of their business ventures.

I have walked alongside family business owners as they grapple with the personal and professional upheaval that divorce can bring. I’ve seen the pitfalls, the triumphs, and the creative solutions that allow businesses AND families to move forward.

If you find yourself facing these challenges, know that you don’t have to navigate them alone. Let’s talk about how to protect what you’ve built while paving the way for a future that works for everyone involved.

Key Takeaways for Family Business Owners facing Divorce

  • Dividing a Family Business in Divorce: Work with professionals to properly value the business and determine fair settlement options.
  • Business Succession Planning: Have a plan in place to maintain stability and avoid disruptions.
  • Legal Strategies for Family Business Divorce: Use prenuptial or postnuptial agreements to safeguard business interests.
  • Financial Impact of Divorce on Business: Address liquidity concerns and long-term operational stability.

By integrating these family business divorce strategies, you can ensure that both your personal and professional future remains secure.

Contact my firm today for legal guidance on protecting your family-owned business during divorce: https://telferfamilylaw.com/contact/

Our office is located at 2150 South 1300 East #500, Salt Lake City, UT. 84106.

5 Tips for Creating Holiday Parenting Plans that Support Families

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Holidays can bring unique challenges for divorced and separated families, as I experienced firsthand with my own children. Their father and I were separated for seven years before finalizing our divorce, and without a formal parenting plan, we relied on conversations to arrange holidays.

Holidays and Parenting Plans

Birthdays, Thanksgiving, and Christmas were especially challenging holidays for our family since our ability to communicate was often strained, leading to confusion and sometimes stress around these special days. Coordinating with ex-spouses also added complexity and conflict, making holidays a time we didn’t always look forward to. Unfortunately, the challenges around these holidays left long-term scars for my children.

Because of this personal experience, I strongly advise divorced and separated parents that a clear, thoughtful holiday parenting plan can make all the difference. What is most important is not where the kids spent the holiday day but what memories were created.

Here are my five tips to create a holiday plan that truly supports your family, helping everyone enjoy the season with less conflict and more peace.

  1. Take the time to establish a clear holiday schedule
    It’s easy to gloss over the holiday schedule in the parenting plan, especially when there are so many other issues to tackle. However, holiday schedules are crucial to ensuring a smooth transition for everyone involved. Skipping over these details often leads to last-minute conflicts, misunderstandings, or hurt feelings, which can put stress on the whole family. Make time to create a schedule that both parents can agree on and avoid leaving things to chance.
  2. Discuss the Holidays important to each parent
    While many parents think primarily about Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s, there are other significant holidays and observances that might hold special meaning for each parent. Take time to understand which holidays or traditions are especially important and discuss how both parents would like to approach these days. This conversation helps both parents feel heard and ensures that each has the opportunity to celebrate with their children in meaningful ways.
  3. Avoid putting children in the middle of Holiday decisions
    Asking children where they would like to spend a holiday can place unnecessary stress on them and create divided loyalties. Instead, parents should approach the holiday schedule with a unified message. For instance, saying, “Your mom and I have worked out that you will be spending Fall Break with her this year and Thanksgiving with me,” can provide clarity and reassurance. When parents work together to communicate this plan, it helps children feel secure and removes any burden of decision-making from them.
  4. Don’t forget about adult children
    While holiday planning often focuses on younger children, adult children can also feel torn between their parents during the holiday season. Adult children, too, benefit when parents communicate openly and avoid putting pressure on them. By working together to plan holiday time, parents can help adult children avoid the guilt or stress of feeling like they have to choose between parents.
  5. Consider whether spending Holidays together works for you
    For some families, spending the holidays together shortly after separation can provide a sense of familiarity and comfort for children. However, it’s essential to think about whether this arrangement will be sustainable long-term. As parents start to build their own routines, new traditions, and possibly new relationships, it might become challenging to spend holidays together. Consider what’s best for everyone in the long run and remain open to adjusting plans as time goes on.

Contrary to what you may hear, you are not required to adopt the statutory holiday schedule. It is often the cookie cutter approach that attorneys tell their clients they must follow. Very few cases ever spend time crafting a holiday parent-time plan that supports their unique family. Creating a holiday parenting plan may feel complex, but it’s a valuable investment in ensuring positive family experiences. With clear communication, flexibility, and a focus on the well-being of the children, parents can develop a plan that supports everyone through the holiday season and beyond.

For more information or if you would like support in drafting a parenting plan, feel free to reach out to me and my team at (801)464-4004 or assistant@telferfamilylaw.com.