Diana Telfer

I witness one phenomenon in many of my clients over and over: the avoidance of financial decisions. Do you know why?

Many people do not avoid financial decisions because they are irresponsible. They avoid them because they are overwhelmed.

As a collaborative divorce attorney and mediator, I have met with countless individuals who are intelligent, successful, and fully capable of managing complex situations. Yet when it comes to their own finances during divorce, they tell me things like:

“I just can’t bring myself to look at the bank statements.”

“I’ve let my spouse handle all of that for years.”

“I know I need to deal with it, but every time I sit down, I feel paralyzed.”

If you’ve ever felt that way, you are certainly not alone.

Financial avoidance is incredibly common during divorce, but it can also be one of the most expensive habits to carry through the process.

Avoidance is usually about emotion, not money

People often assume that someone who avoids financial matters simply lacks knowledge or discipline. In my experience, that is rarely the case. More often, I see that their financial avoidance is rooted in fear.

Fear of discovering the extent of the debt, of making a costly mistake, and very often the fear of conflict with a spouse. There is also the fear that life after divorce will not be financially secure. Sometimes, simply opening a financial statement feels like acknowledging that the marriage is truly ending.

That is a heavy emotional burden.

Successful women are not immune

One of the biggest misconceptions I see many clients having is that professional success automatically translates into financial confidence during divorce.

Believe me, it doesn’t.

I have worked with physicians who confidently make life-and-death decisions every day but feel overwhelmed reviewing retirement accounts.

I’ve worked with business owners who negotiate complex contracts with ease but postpone gathering financial documents because the emotional weight feels too great.

The issue has nothing to do with the lack intelligence. What we witness is emotional overload.

Small delays become expensive problems

Financial avoidance often starts with something small.

“I’ll review that statement tomorrow.”

“I’ll respond to my attorney next week.”

“I’ll gather those documents when I have more time.”

Days become weeks.

Weeks become months.

Meanwhile, opportunities can be lost.

Important financial records may become more difficult to locate.

Settlement discussions stall.

Attorney’s fees increase because professionals spend additional time following up or recreating missing information. In some cases, decisions end up being made under unnecessary time pressure because there is no longer enough time for thoughtful planning.

The cost of avoidance is rarely obvious in the beginning – it accumulates quietly.

Knowledge creates confidence

One of my favorite moments with clients is when they realize that understanding their finances is not nearly as frightening as they imagined. I often tell clients that information reduces anxiety, and uncertainty fuels it.

The first time someone reviews a balance sheet or cash-flow summary with a financial neutral, I can almost see the tension leave the room because the unknown becomes known. And once people understand where they stand financially, they begin making decisions with much greater confidence.

Progress is better than perfection

You do not have to understand every tax return before your first meeting.

You do not need perfectly organized files.

You do not have to become a financial expert overnight.

You simply need to begin.

One document. One account. One question. One conversation.

Small steps build momentum.

Momentum builds confidence.

Confidence leads to better decisions.

The Collaborative Process Encourages Understanding

One of the reasons I appreciate the collaborative process is that clients are not expected to figure everything out on their own.

• Financial professionals help organize information.
• Attorneys explain legal implications.
• Divorce coaches help clients manage the emotional stress that often interferes with decision-making.

Rather than making decisions from a place of fear, clients are supported in making informed decisions based on reliable information.

That support often transforms anxiety into confidence.

You deserve to understand your financial future

Whether you have managed the family finances for years or your spouse has always handled the numbers, this is your opportunity to understand your financial picture. No need to become an accountant, but you deserve to make decisions from a place of knowledge rather than fear.

Divorce is difficult enough. Financial uncertainty should not make it harder.

Some final thoughts

💡Avoiding financial decisions may provide temporary relief, but it often creates greater stress—and greater expense—over time.

💡The sooner you begin gathering information and asking questions, the more options you are likely to have.

Remember, you do not have to know everything before you move forward. You simply have to be willing to take the first step.

Ready to take that first step?

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by the financial side of divorce, you don’t have to navigate it alone.

Whether you’re a business owner, physician, executive, or simply someone who wants to better understand your options, the right guidance can help you move from uncertainty to confidence.

If you’re considering divorce or are already in the process, I invite you to schedule a consultation. Together, we can develop a thoughtful plan that protects your financial future, reduces unnecessary conflict, and helps you make informed decisions with clarity and confidence.

With care,

Diana

Owning a business changes the way you think about money.

As a collaborative divorce attorney and mediator, I have worked with many entrepreneurs over the years. Whether they own a medical practice, law firm, construction company, consulting business, salon, or technology startup, I often notice something they have in common.

They do not see money the same way many other people do.

That difference can become especially apparent during divorce.

Unfortunately, it is also one of the most misunderstood aspects of negotiating a fair settlement.

A business is more than an asset

When someone who has never owned a business looks at a company, they often see an asset with a dollar value. Business owners rarely see it that way.

They see years of long hours, sleepless nights, financial risk, personal sacrifice, and countless decisions that shaped what the business has become. Many entrepreneurs remember working without a paycheck, borrowing against their home, or missing family vacations because the business needed them.

The business often represents more than income – it’s their identity, purpose, and achievement. And for many, the opportunity to create financial security for themselves and their families.

That emotional connection does not mean the business cannot or should not be valued. It simply means that understanding its significance is an important part of reaching a durable resolution.

Entrepreneurs think differently about money

One of the biggest differences I notice is that entrepreneurs often prioritize long-term growth over short-term security. Someone else may see cash sitting in a business account and assume it is available to divide.

The business owner may already have mentally committed those funds to payroll, inventory, equipment, taxes, marketing, or future expansion.

Likewise, an entrepreneur may willingly invest every available dollar back into the business because they see opportunity where others see risk.

Neither perspective is necessarily right or wrong.They are simply different ways of viewing money.

Cash Flow is not the same as wealth

Another common misconception is that business owners are “cash rich.” In reality, many successful businesses are asset-rich but cash-flow dependent.

Revenue can fluctuate. Clients may pay slowly. Equipment may need replacing. Employees depend on payroll being met every two weeks.

Business owners often live with financial uncertainty that employees never experience. Understanding those realities is essential when discussing property division, support, or business valuation.

Divorce can affect more than the owners

Unlike many marital assets, a business often impacts people beyond the divorcing couple.

Employees, customers, business partners, vendors, and professional reputation. The decisions made during a divorce can ripple through an entire organization.

That is one reason I encourage business owners to approach divorce strategically rather than emotionally. Protecting the business often protects many other people as well.

Litigation can be expensive in more than one way

Court litigation can require extensive document production, multiple depositions, business valuations, and expert testimony. But beyond the legal expense, there is another cost that is harder to measure: time.

Every hour spent preparing for litigation is an hour not spent serving clients, leading employees, or growing the business. For entrepreneurs, lost focus can become one of the most expensive consequences of a prolonged divorce.

Why Collaborative Divorce can be especially effective for business owners

One of the reasons I enjoy working with business owners in the collaborative process is that it allows everyone to focus on solving problems rather than creating them.

Instead of treating the business as a prize to be won, the conversation shifts to questions like:

• How do we preserve the value of the business?
• How do we ensure both spouses have the financial information they need?
• How can we structure a settlement that is fair without jeopardizing the company’s future?
• How do we minimize unnecessary taxes and transaction costs?
• How do we protect employees, clients, and ongoing operations?

When financial professionals, attorneys, and, when appropriate, business valuation experts work together, the process often becomes more efficient and far less disruptive.

Remember why you started

One of the questions I sometimes ask business owners is this:

“Why did you build this business in the first place?”

Very few answer, “So I could fight over it in court.”

Most tell me they wanted freedom.

To provide for their family.

To create opportunities for others.

To leave something meaningful behind.

Those goals are worth remembering during divorce. The way a business is handled during the divorce process can influence not only its future but also the next chapter of both spouses’ lives.

Some final thoughts

Entrepreneurs are accustomed to solving difficult problems. They adapt, innovate, and persevere. Those same qualities can serve them well during divorce.

The key is recognizing that the business is more than a financial asset. It is a living enterprise that deserves thoughtful planning and informed decision-making.

When both spouses understand the unique financial realities of owning a business, they are often better equipped to reach solutions that preserve value, reduce conflict, and create a stronger foundation for moving forward.

Ready to protect what you’ve built?

If you own a business and are considering divorce, the choices you make early in the process can have lasting financial consequences—for you, your family, and your business.

Collaborative divorce offers business owners an opportunity to resolve issues privately, preserve business value, and make informed decisions with the support of experienced legal and financial professionals.

If you would like to learn whether collaborative divorce is the right fit for your situation, I invite you to schedule a consultation. Together, we can explore options that protect what you’ve worked so hard to build while helping you move forward with confidence and dignity.

~Diana

I hear a version of the same comment regularly from couples who contact me about mediation:

“We want to mediate because we do not want attorneys involved.”

As an attorney myself, that statement always gets my attention.

Usually, what they mean is not that attorneys have nothing valuable to offer. They are worried that bringing attorneys into the process will make things more adversarial, more complicated, and more expensive. They have heard the nightmare stories from friends and family—divorces that dragged on for years, legal fees that spiraled, and disagreements that became battles once the lawyers became involved. They do not want a disagreement they believe they can work through together to turn into a legal fight.

And sometimes, unfortunately, that fear is justified.

Attorneys are trained to identify risk. We anticipate what might go wrong and try to protect our clients from it. That is an important part of our job. But in family law, there is a danger in treating every future possibility as something that must be prevented.

Sometimes, in our effort to protect clients from future conflict, we create rigidity that can actually make future conflict more likely.

A Parenting Plan Cannot Predict a Child’s Entire Childhood

A recent change to Utah’s custody statutes provides a good example.

For parenting plans involving young children, Utah law now recognizes that a child turning five may constitute a substantial change in circumstances warranting a review of parent-time, unless the parenting plan or order provides otherwise.

I have already heard attorneys approach this change from the perspective of:

“We need to put language in the agreement so the other parent cannot come back when the child turns five.”

My question is: Why?

Why is returning to the parenting plan when a child turns five necessarily a bad thing?

Certainly, there are families where repeated litigation is a serious concern. If parents have a history of high conflict, coercive behavior, repeated litigation, or an inability to make decisions together, creating greater certainty may be appropriate.

But that is not every family.

For many parents, revisiting a parenting plan as their child grows may be entirely reasonable.

A parenting schedule that works beautifully for a two-year-old may not be the best schedule for a five-year-old starting kindergarten. And what works for a five-year-old may need adjustment when that child is ten, fourteen, or sixteen.

Children change.

Their school schedules change. Their activities change. Their friendships become more important. Their developmental needs change. Parents’ work schedules and living circumstances may change too.

When parents divorce while their children are young, we are asking them to make decisions today about children they have not met yet—the future versions of their children.

No parent knows exactly what a three-year-old will need when that child is thirteen.

So why should every parenting plan be designed as though the goal is to make future conversations as difficult as possible?

There Is a Difference Between Stability and Rigidity

Children need stability. Parents also need predictability.

But stability does not necessarily require rigidity.

A well-designed parenting plan can provide a dependable structure while also recognizing that families evolve. Rather than trying to prevent parents from revisiting their agreement, we can help them develop a process for doing so constructively.

For example, parents can agree to periodically review their parenting plan as their children reach important developmental stages. They can identify circumstances that should prompt a conversation. They can agree to consult with a child-development professional, parenting-plan specialist, mediator, or other neutral professional before anyone considers going to court.

Most importantly, they can be educated about the difference between reviewing an agreement and fighting over an agreement.

Those are not the same thing.

What If We Designed Parenting Plans for Healthy Change?

Instead of asking:

“How do we prevent the other parent from ever trying to change this?”

Perhaps we should also ask:

“How can these parents address change without turning it into a legal battle?”

That is a very different question.

It shifts the focus from protecting a client against the other parent to helping both parents build a framework for solving future problems.

A parenting plan might say, in substance:

As the children grow and their developmental, educational, social, or extracurricular needs change, the parents recognize that the parenting schedule may need to evolve. The parents will periodically review the schedule and discuss whether modifications would better serve the children’s needs.

The agreement could then provide a dispute-resolution process if the parents cannot agree—perhaps consultation with a neutral professional followed by mediation before either parent seeks court intervention, where legally appropriate.

That does not eliminate disagreement. Nothing can.

What it does is give parents a roadmap for disagreement.

Attorneys Can Help Families Build Problem-Solving Skills

I believe one of the most valuable things a family law attorney can do is help clients understand that not every future risk needs to be eliminated.

Some risks should be managed by creating good processes rather than erecting legal barriers.

When we draft an agreement solely around the question, “How do I protect my client if the other parent becomes unreasonable?” we may inadvertently create an agreement designed around fear.

But what if these parents are reasonable?

What if they become more cooperative after the divorce is over and the emotional intensity of the separation has passed?

What if their child simply needs something different five years from now?

For many families, the better question may be:

“How do we create enough structure to provide stability while preserving enough flexibility to respond to the children we actually have—not the children we are trying to predict today?”

That is one reason I believe mediation and collaborative divorce can be so valuable. The goal is not simply to resolve today’s legal issues. It is to help families develop agreements and problem-solving processes that can continue working long after the professionals are gone.

Perhaps the measure of a good parenting plan should not be whether it prevents parents from ever coming back to the table.

Perhaps it should be whether, when life inevitably changes, they know how to come back to the table without going to war.

With deep care,

Diana

Photo Credit: A storm approaching, captured by my dear friend Carolyn Storey

As a collaborative divorce attorney and mediator, I have worked with many women who are extraordinary decision-makers.

They own successful businesses. They perform surgeries. They manage large organizations. They negotiate complex contracts. They lead teams, make payroll, solve difficult problems, and confidently make decisions involving hundreds of thousands—or even millions—of dollars. And many of them are raising children, too.

Then divorce happens.

Suddenly, the woman who confidently runs a company tells me, “I’m not great with my personal finances and am afraid of making the wrong decision.”

The physician who makes life-changing decisions every day worries she will overlook something important.

The executive who negotiates multimillion-dollar contracts second-guesses herself over whether to keep the house or how retirement accounts should be divided.

If this sounds familiar, you are not alone. And more importantly, let me tell you, there is nothing wrong with you!

Divorce is different

People often assume that financial decisions are logical exercises and that divorce should just be like any ordinary business transaction. If that were true, divorce would be much easier.

But divorce is not just about finances. It is about your future, your children, your home, your identity, and the life you imagined. The financial decisions are wrapped inside one of the most significant emotional transitions a person can experience.

I have seen this time and again

One of the things that has surprised me throughout my career is how often highly accomplished women underestimate themselves during divorce. I have represented women who successfully built thriving companies from the ground up, but questioned whether they deserved their share of the marital estate.

Others have spent years managing family finances while still saying, “My husband understands the money better than I do.” Sometimes that is true. More often, it reflects confidence that has quietly eroded over years of one spouse taking the lead on financial matters or making the final decisions.

Professional competence and financial confidence within a marriage are not always the same thing.

Why confidence changes during divorce

Several factors tend to converge at once.

• Every Decision Feels Permanent
• Business decisions can usually be adjusted.
• Markets change.
• Strategies evolve.
• New opportunities emerge.

Many divorce decisions, however, are difficult—or impossible—to undo. That fact naturally creates more anxiety.

The stakes feel personal

Selling a business is one thing. Deciding whether to keep the family home where your children grew up is something entirely different.

One decision affects a balance sheet, the other touches memories, identity, and family.

Decision fatigue is real

Divorce requires an astonishing number of decisions.

Housing. Parenting schedules. Insurance. Taxes. Retirement. Businesses. Real estate. Support. Budgets. College expenses. Personal property….

Many women continue managing demanding careers while simultaneously making dozens of significant personal decisions. Eventually, even excellent decision-makers become exhausted.

Women often carry invisible responsibilities

Many professional women continue carrying much of the family’s emotional labor during divorce. They are helping children adjust, managing school schedules, supporting aging parents, keeping employees focused, and serving clients or patients.

They are trying to maintain normalcy while privately grieving the end of a marriage. By the time they sit down to review financial documents, they are already mentally exhausted. This is the weight of carrying so much.

The fear of making a costly mistake

One comment I hear frequently is: “What if I agree to something I’ll regret five years from now?” Well, that is a reasonable question as divorce often requires people to make decisions based on uncertain future events.

Will the housing market change? Will interest rates fall? Will my business continue to grow? Will my income stay the same?

The truth is that no one has perfect information. However, good decisions are rarely about perfectly predicting the future; they are about making thoughtful, informed decisions based on the best information available today.

This is one reason I value the Collaborative Process

One of the reasons I chose to focus my practice on collaborative divorce and mediation is that it allows clients the time and support to make informed decisions.

Instead of rushing to prepare for court, collaborative divorce encourages assembling the right professionals to answer difficult questions.

Financial neutrals can help analyze settlement options.

Divorce coaches can help clients separate fear from decision-making.

Attorneys provide legal advice and help clients understand the long-term consequences of various choices.

No one is expected to have all the answers alone.

You do not have to prove anything

Perhaps the most important thing I tell successful women is this:

💪🏼 You do not have to prove that you can handle divorce by yourself.

💪🏼 Asking questions is not weakness.

💪🏼 Taking time to understand your options is not indecisiveness.

💪🏼 Seeking guidance from experienced professionals is not failure.

👉🏻 In fact, those are often the very skills that made you successful in your career.

Moving forward with confidence

The goal during divorce is not to make perfect decisions; we aim to make thoughtful ones. That requires information, perspective, and time.

And sometimes a team of professionals can help you see issues from multiple angles before making permanent choices.

I have watched many women begin the divorce process feeling uncertain and overwhelmed. Months later, they leave with something far more valuable than a settlement agreement.

They leave with confidence because they understood the decisions they were making. That confidence often becomes the foundation for the next chapter of their lives.

Looking ahead

In next week’s post, I’ll explore why business owners experience divorce differently from other professionals and how protecting a closely held business often requires a very different approach than simply dividing other marital assets.

A note to women business owners and professionals

You have spent years building your career, your reputation, and your financial future. Divorce should not diminish that work. With the right guidance, you can make thoughtful financial decisions that protect both what you’ve built and where you’re going next.

I am here to support you!

Diana.

After helping hundreds of individuals and couples navigate divorce, I have become convinced of one thing: very few conflicts are actually about money.

They are about what money means.

Over the years, I have sat across the table from couples arguing about retirement accounts, businesses, homes, credit cards, inheritances, and monthly budgets. On the surface, the disagreements appear to be about dollars and cents. But when we slow the conversation down, something deeper almost always emerges.

One spouse is seeking security, the other values freedom.

One sees saving as responsible, the other sees spending as enjoying the life they worked hard to build.

Neither person is necessarily wrong; they have different “money personalities.”

We all have a money story

Long before we marry, we begin developing beliefs about money. Maybe your parents lived paycheck to paycheck, making you determined to save every dollar.

Perhaps you watched a parent lose a business during a recession and learned that financial security should never be taken for granted.

Or maybe your family celebrated life’s milestones through travel, experiences, and generosity, teaching you that money is meant to be enjoyed.

Those early experiences quietly shape our financial habits for decades. Most of us do not even realize we have a money personality until someone close to us approaches money very differently.

I’ve seen this more times than I can count

One of the advantages of practicing collaborative divorce and mediation is that I have the opportunity to hear not only what people are arguing about, but why. I remember early in my career thinking, “If I can just explain the math, this issue will be resolved.”

Ha, let me tell you – it rarely worked. The numbers were rarely the real issue.

Once we started talking about what each person feared, valued, or hoped for, entirely different conversations began to unfold.

A disagreement over selling the family home might actually be about stability for the children.

An argument about retirement accounts might really be about fear of growing older alone.

A dispute over a closely held business may reflect years of sacrifice, identity, and pride rather than simply its appraised value.

Those conversations are far more meaningful—and far more productive—than debating numbers alone.

Common money personalities

While everyone is unique, I often see certain financial tendencies emerge.

The Security Seeker

Security Seekers find comfort in savings, predictable income, and financial stability. During divorce, they may worry about whether there will be “enough,” even when the numbers suggest they will be financially secure.

The Planner

Planners like budgets, spreadsheets, and well-thought-out decisions. Uncertainty can be particularly stressful, making divorce feel overwhelming because so many future decisions remain unknown.

The Entrepreneur

Entrepreneurs often view money as a tool rather than something to preserve. They are comfortable with calculated risk, reinvesting in their business, and focusing on long-term growth instead of short-term security.

This perspective can be difficult for a spouse who places a higher value on certainty.

The Caregiver

Caregivers frequently prioritize everyone else’s needs before their own. During divorce, they may agree to financial arrangements that are less favorable simply to reduce conflict or protect their children.

The Avoider

Some people dislike dealing with financial matters altogether. They may have allowed their spouse to manage household finances throughout the marriage or simply postponed difficult financial conversations.

Unfortunately, avoidance during divorce often increases stress and can lead to costly mistakes.

None of these personalities are “wrong”

One of the most important things I tell clients is this:

Your money personality is not a character flaw.

Every personality has strengths AND blind spots.

Problems arise when we assume our approach is the only reasonable one. When couples begin to understand that they are bringing different financial values into the conversation—not necessarily bad intentions—the tone often changes. Curiosity begins to replace blame.

Divorce doesn’t create these differences

Divorce has a way of shining a bright light on financial habits that may have existed throughout the marriage.

Sometimes couples have successfully balanced one another for years. Sometimes they avoided talking about money altogether. When the marriage ends, however, every financial decision suddenly feels more significant.

That is why understanding your own money personality can be one of the most valuable investments you make during the divorce process.

A few questions for you to consider

As you think about your own relationship with money, ask yourself:

• What messages about money did I learn growing up?
• Does financial security bring me peace, or do I value flexibility and opportunity?
• What financial decisions cause me the greatest anxiety?
• What am I truly trying to protect?
• Am I reacting to today’s circumstances, or to experiences from years ago?

There are no right or wrong answers. The goal is simply greater self-awareness.

Some final thoughts

One of the reasons I enjoy practicing collaborative divorce and mediation is that they create space for these deeper conversations. Instead of focusing solely on dividing assets, we have the opportunity to understand the values, fears, and priorities driving each person’s decisions.

Money is important.

But understanding the story behind the money is often what helps people move forward with greater confidence, clarity, and peace.

Next in this month’s series

Next week, I’ll explore why many highly successful women—including business owners, physicians, executives, and other professionals—often find financial decisions during divorce surprisingly difficult, even though they confidently make high-stakes decisions every day in their careers.

If this article resonated with you, follow along as we continue exploring the many ways our relationship with money influences divorce decisions—and how greater awareness can lead to better outcomes for you and your family.” That consistency helps build anticipation for the next installment.

With care,

Diana

Holidays can feel especially stressful after divorce, when extended family members still hold ideas about how things “should” look. Their intentions are often loving, but their expectations may no longer fit your family’s reality. The good news: clear boundaries and thoughtful communication can help the season feel calmer, more intentional, and even more meaningful.

Why Expectations feel so heavy

Holiday traditions are deeply rooted in memory and identity. After divorce, extended family members may want to preserve what feels familiar, which can create pressure around:

• Longstanding gatherings that no longer fit
• Competing invitations
• Guilt or disappointment when plans change
• Difficulty accepting new roles or routines

These reactions are normal, but you are not responsible for recreating a past that no longer exists.

Giving yourself Permission to set Boundaries

Divorce changes logistics and emotional capacity. Boundaries help protect everyone’s well-being, including your children’s.

Healthy boundaries may include:

• Declining events that complicate schedules
• Limiting how many gatherings your children attend
• Asking relatives to celebrate on a different day
• Keeping parts of the holiday simple or private

You do not need to please everyone. You need to care for your family.

Communicating with Compassion

Clear, kind communication helps extended family understand why things are shifting. Helpful phrases include:

• “We are adjusting to new routines this year and appreciate your flexibility.”
• “We are keeping things simple for the kids.”
• “That tradition meant a lot, but it may not work the same way now.”

Share what your children truly need without over-explaining or apologizing.

Helping Family understand your Children’s Needs

Kids do best with:

• Predictable routines
• Low-pressure celebrations
• Time to relax rather than rushing
• Emotional breathing room

Quality of connection matters more than sticking to a specific tradition or date.

Creating new Ways to connect

Change also allows creativity. Encourage extended family to explore traditions that better fit your new rhythm:

• A pre-holiday breakfast
• A New Year’s cocoa night
• A simple gift-opening ritual on another day
• A calm January outing

Sometimes spreading out celebrations makes them more enjoyable.

Releasing Guilt and embracing what works

Guilt is common, but it is not a useful guide. You can prioritize your children and your well-being, even if others need time to adjust.

Remember:

• You cannot recreate the past.
• Extended family will adapt.
• Calm, connected, authentic holidays matter most.

Moving forward TOGETHER

Extended families are resilient. With boundaries and open-hearted communication, relationships can strengthen rather than strain.

Holidays after divorce may look different, but they can still be rich with warmth and connection, because they’re built around what truly works for your family now.

Happy Holidays to you and yours!

With deep care,

Diana

The holidays often arrive carrying a bundle of expectations. Some joyful, some heavy, and many shaped by the past. After divorce, families may find that old traditions no longer fit the way they once did. Kids grow, family systems shift, and what once felt warm can suddenly feel complicated or even painful.

Yet this moment of change also holds an extraordinary invitation:

the chance to create new tradition

Traditions, that feel authentic, joyful, and aligned with who your family is becoming.

When holding onto old Traditions becomes a Struggle

It is completely understandable that some parents feel a deep pull to preserve “how we’ve always done it.” Longstanding holiday traditions can carry meaning, nostalgia, and a sense of identity. But after divorce, trying to maintain historic traditions exactly as they were may not be realistic (or healthy!) for anyone involved.

Schedules shift, families blend, logistics change, and the emotional landscape is different. What was once simple may now create tension, conflict, or disappointment. Parents can sometimes become entrenched in positions, insisting on honoring the past to avoid the grief of change. But rigidity often makes the holidays harder, not easier.

And here is the hopeful truth: Children are far more resilient than we often realize.

They do not require perfect replication of past traditions to feel secure or joyful. In fact, many kids appreciate the chance to create new rituals that reflect their current lives and relationships. New traditions can feel exciting, empowering, and freeing.

Letting go of the insistence on “how it used to be” opens space for “what could be” and that shift can bring genuine relief and connection.

Why reinventing Traditions matters

Traditions do more than mark holidays; they help shape a family’s identity. After divorce, children and parents alike may feel unmoored from what once felt familiar. Building new rituals offers stability and belonging. These traditions do not have to be grand; they simply need to feel like you.

When families consciously choose how they celebrate rather than defaulting to “what we’ve always done” they send a powerful message:

We are still a family.

We still celebrate.

We get to define what that looks like.

Seeing Change as an Opening, not a Loss

It is natural to grieve the loss of old traditions. But change does not have to mean emptiness. It can mean creativity, connection, and possibility.

Divorce makes room for:

• New voices in the planning process
• New activities that better fit the family now
• New meaning in how you choose to gather, rest, and celebrate

Parents often discover that releasing unrealistic expectations creates space for genuine ease and joy.

Ideas for new, low-pressure Traditions

New traditions work best when they feel small, doable, and enjoyable not like another item on the holiday to-do list.

Here are a few “bite-sized” ideas some of my clients came up with:

1. A Five-Minute Tradition

Light a candle together and each person shares one thing they are grateful for.

2. The Cozy Tradition

Declare one night “Pajama Holiday,” where everyone wears PJs, eats something simple, and watches a favorite movie or reads aloud.

3. A Tradition of Giving

Choose one meaningful, age-appropriate act of generosity—donating a toy, baking cookies for a neighbor, making cards for a shelter.

4. A Nature Tradition

Take a holiday morning walk, collect leaves or pinecones, or simply breathe fresh air together before the day unfolds.

5. A Creative Ritual

Make or choose an ornament that represents something meaningful from the past year. Over time, the collection becomes a family story.

None of these require elaborate planning, perfect behavior, or an Instagram-worthy backdrop. They simply create a touchstone—a moment that says, we are here, together.

Permission to simplify & savor

The holidays can quickly become performative: perfectly wrapped gifts, elaborate meals, orchestrated schedules. But for families navigating transition, simplicity is often the greatest gift.

Give yourself permission to:

• Drop traditions that feel heavy
• Keep only the pieces that bring genuine joy
• Say no to obligations that drain you
• Choose rest over perfection

When parents lead with calm and authenticity, children feel it. What they remember years later is rarely the matching outfits or the spotless house—they remember the warmth, the laughter, and the ease of being together.

Reimagining the Holidays as a Family Story in Motion

Traditions are not relics; they are living practices that evolve as families evolve. Divorce may bring an ending, but it also offers a beginning. A chance to craft experiences that reflect who your family is now and where you are headed.

As you reimagine your holidays, trust your instincts.
Start small.
Let go of perfection.
Invite your children into the process.
And savor the moments that feel good.

In doing so, you are not just creating new traditions you are building a strong, resilient family identity rooted in love, creativity, and connection.

Happy Holidays to you and yours!

With warmth,

Diana

Holidays can bring unique challenges for divorced and separated families, as I experienced firsthand with my own children. Their father and I were separated for seven years before finalizing our divorce, and without a formal parenting plan, we relied on conversations to arrange holidays.

Birthdays, Thanksgiving, and Christmas were especially challenging holidays for our family since our ability to communicate was often strained, leading to confusion and sometimes stress around these special days. Coordinating with ex-spouses also added complexity and conflict, making holidays a time we didn’t always look forward to. Unfortunately, the challenges around these holidays left long-term scars for my children.

Because of this personal experience, I strongly advise divorced and separated parents that a clear, thoughtful holiday parenting plan can make all the difference. What is most important is not where the kids spent the holiday day but what memories were created.

Here are my five tips to create a holiday plan that truly supports your family, helping everyone enjoy the season with less conflict and more peace.

1. Take the time to establish a clear holiday schedule
   It’s easy to gloss over the holiday schedule in the parenting plan, especially when there are so many other issues to tackle. However, holiday schedules are crucial to ensuring a smooth transition for everyone involved. Skipping over these details often leads to last-minute conflicts, misunderstandings, or hurt feelings, which can put stress on the whole family. Make time to create a schedule that both parents can agree on and avoid leaving things to chance.
2. Discuss the Holidays important to each parent
   While many parents think primarily about Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s, there are other significant holidays and observances that might hold special meaning for each parent. Take time to understand which holidays or traditions are especially important and discuss how both parents would like to approach these days. This conversation helps both parents feel heard and ensures that each has the opportunity to celebrate with their children in meaningful ways.
3. Avoid putting children in the middle of Holiday decisions
   Asking children where they would like to spend a holiday can place unnecessary stress on them and create divided loyalties. Instead, parents should approach the holiday schedule with a unified message. For instance, saying, “Your mom and I have worked out that you will be spending Fall Break with her this year and Thanksgiving with me,” can provide clarity and reassurance. When parents work together to communicate this plan, it helps children feel secure and removes any burden of decision-making from them.
4. Don’t forget about adult children
   While holiday planning often focuses on younger children, adult children can also feel torn between their parents during the holiday season. Adult children, too, benefit when parents communicate openly and avoid putting pressure on them. By working together to plan holiday time, parents can help adult children avoid the guilt or stress of feeling like they have to choose between parents.
5. Consider whether spending Holidays together works for you
   For some families, spending the holidays together shortly after separation can provide a sense of familiarity and comfort for children. However, it’s essential to think about whether this arrangement will be sustainable long-term. As parents start to build their own routines, new traditions, and possibly new relationships, it might become challenging to spend holidays together. Consider what’s best for everyone in the long run and remain open to adjusting plans as time goes on.

Contrary to what you may hear, you are not required to adopt the statutory holiday schedule. It is often the cookie cutter approach that attorneys tell their clients they must follow. Very few cases ever spend time crafting a holiday parent-time plan that supports their unique family. Creating a holiday parenting plan may feel complex, but it’s a valuable investment in ensuring positive family experiences. With clear communication, flexibility, and a focus on the well-being of the children, parents can develop a plan that supports everyone through the holiday season and beyond.

For more information or if you would like support in drafting a parenting plan, feel free to reach out to me and my team at (801)464-4004 or assistant@telferfamilylaw.com.