Telfer Family Law & Mediation

Salt Lake City Divorce & Mediation

phone number 801-464-4004

Mediation & Collaborative Divorce

We want to mediate because we do not want attorneys involved!

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I hear a version of the same comment regularly from couples who contact me about mediation:

“We want to mediate because we do not want attorneys involved.”

As an attorney myself, that statement always gets my attention.

Usually, what they mean is not that attorneys have nothing valuable to offer. They are worried that bringing attorneys into the process will make things more adversarial, more complicated, and more expensive. They have heard the nightmare stories from friends and family—divorces that dragged on for years, legal fees that spiraled, and disagreements that became battles once the lawyers became involved. They do not want a disagreement they believe they can work through together to turn into a legal fight.

And sometimes, unfortunately, that fear is justified.

Attorneys are trained to identify risk. We anticipate what might go wrong and try to protect our clients from it. That is an important part of our job. But in family law, there is a danger in treating every future possibility as something that must be prevented.

Sometimes, in our effort to protect clients from future conflict, we create rigidity that can actually make future conflict more likely.

A Parenting Plan Cannot Predict a Child’s Entire Childhood

A recent change to Utah’s custody statutes provides a good example.

For parenting plans involving young children, Utah law now recognizes that a child turning five may constitute a substantial change in circumstances warranting a review of parent-time, unless the parenting plan or order provides otherwise.

I have already heard attorneys approach this change from the perspective of:

“We need to put language in the agreement so the other parent cannot come back when the child turns five.”

My question is: Why?

Why is returning to the parenting plan when a child turns five necessarily a bad thing?

Certainly, there are families where repeated litigation is a serious concern. If parents have a history of high conflict, coercive behavior, repeated litigation, or an inability to make decisions together, creating greater certainty may be appropriate.

But that is not every family.

For many parents, revisiting a parenting plan as their child grows may be entirely reasonable.

A parenting schedule that works beautifully for a two-year-old may not be the best schedule for a five-year-old starting kindergarten. And what works for a five-year-old may need adjustment when that child is ten, fourteen, or sixteen.

Children change.

Their school schedules change. Their activities change. Their friendships become more important. Their developmental needs change. Parents’ work schedules and living circumstances may change too.

When parents divorce while their children are young, we are asking them to make decisions today about children they have not met yet—the future versions of their children.

No parent knows exactly what a three-year-old will need when that child is thirteen.

So why should every parenting plan be designed as though the goal is to make future conversations as difficult as possible?

There Is a Difference Between Stability and Rigidity

Children need stability. Parents also need predictability.

But stability does not necessarily require rigidity.

A well-designed parenting plan can provide a dependable structure while also recognizing that families evolve. Rather than trying to prevent parents from revisiting their agreement, we can help them develop a process for doing so constructively.

For example, parents can agree to periodically review their parenting plan as their children reach important developmental stages. They can identify circumstances that should prompt a conversation. They can agree to consult with a child-development professional, parenting-plan specialist, mediator, or other neutral professional before anyone considers going to court.

Most importantly, they can be educated about the difference between reviewing an agreement and fighting over an agreement.

Those are not the same thing.

What If We Designed Parenting Plans for Healthy Change?

Instead of asking:

“How do we prevent the other parent from ever trying to change this?”

Perhaps we should also ask:

“How can these parents address change without turning it into a legal battle?”

That is a very different question.

It shifts the focus from protecting a client against the other parent to helping both parents build a framework for solving future problems.

A parenting plan might say, in substance:

As the children grow and their developmental, educational, social, or extracurricular needs change, the parents recognize that the parenting schedule may need to evolve. The parents will periodically review the schedule and discuss whether modifications would better serve the children’s needs.

The agreement could then provide a dispute-resolution process if the parents cannot agree—perhaps consultation with a neutral professional followed by mediation before either parent seeks court intervention, where legally appropriate.

That does not eliminate disagreement. Nothing can.

What it does is give parents a roadmap for disagreement.

Attorneys Can Help Families Build Problem-Solving Skills

I believe one of the most valuable things a family law attorney can do is help clients understand that not every future risk needs to be eliminated.

Some risks should be managed by creating good processes rather than erecting legal barriers.

When we draft an agreement solely around the question, “How do I protect my client if the other parent becomes unreasonable?” we may inadvertently create an agreement designed around fear.

But what if these parents are reasonable?

What if they become more cooperative after the divorce is over and the emotional intensity of the separation has passed?

What if their child simply needs something different five years from now?

For many families, the better question may be:

“How do we create enough structure to provide stability while preserving enough flexibility to respond to the children we actually have—not the children we are trying to predict today?”

That is one reason I believe mediation and collaborative divorce can be so valuable. The goal is not simply to resolve today’s legal issues. It is to help families develop agreements and problem-solving processes that can continue working long after the professionals are gone.

Perhaps the measure of a good parenting plan should not be whether it prevents parents from ever coming back to the table.

Perhaps it should be whether, when life inevitably changes, they know how to come back to the table without going to war.

With deep care,

Diana

Photo Credit: A storm approaching, captured by my dear friend Carolyn Storey

The Moment I realized my Work had shifted: A Personal Reflection on Becoming a Transformative Mediator

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For a long time, I did exactly what the system asked of me.

I zealously advocated for my client in an adversarial system. I prepared for battle, protected positions, and worked hard to secure outcomes that looked successful on paper. I participated in marathon mediations where the goal was endurance—stay at the table long enough and an agreement would eventually emerge.

And often, it did.

But over time, I began to notice something that unsettled me.

When “Success” did not feel Like Success

Many clients left those marathon mediation days exhausted rather than relieved. Agreements were reached, but they often felt forced—products of pressure, fatigue, and fear rather than clarity or understanding.

I watched clients nod along, eager for it to be over, only to return later with new disputes. The conflict had not resolved; it had simply changed form. What was framed as finality was, in reality, a pause.

The process was efficient. It was also deeply human in its cost.

The Limits of the Adversarial Model

The adversarial system is designed to create winners and losers. Zealous advocacy has its place, particularly when safety or power imbalances are present. But I began to see how often this framework amplified defensiveness rather than resolved it.

People were encouraged to harden their positions, simplify complex emotions into legal arguments, and move quickly toward outcomes that did not reflect the full reality of their lives—especially when ongoing relationships, like co-parenting, were involved.

The approach was, in many ways, cookie-cutter. The same tools were applied regardless of the people, the dynamics, or the long-term consequences.

The Moment of Reckoning

What finally shifted my perspective was not a single dramatic case, but a growing pattern. I could no longer ignore the disconnect between what the system valued and what my clients actually needed.

They needed:

  • To feel heard, not managed
  • To understand their choices, not just accept them
  • To leave the process with confidence, not lingering doubt

I realized that I was helping people end legal disputes without helping them understand the conflict itself.

That realization changed how I thought about my role.

Choosing a Different Way

I began moving toward a transformative, insight-based approach because it allowed for something the transactional system did not: space.

Space to slow down. Space to explore what was underneath the positions. Space to recognize fear, grief, and misunderstanding as information rather than obstacles.

Instead of pushing for agreement at all costs, I became more interested in what helped people shift internally. What reduced defensiveness. What restored a sense of agency.

The difference was immediate—and profound.

How my Work feels different now

Today, my work as an attorney representing clients or as a neutral mediator is less about forcing resolution and more about creating clarity. I no longer measure success by how quickly an agreement is reached, but by how grounded people feel in the decisions they make.

I pay close attention to moments of resistance or reactivity, because those moments often signal where understanding is missing. Rather than rushing past them, we explore them.

Agreements reached this way tend to last—not because they are perfect, but because they are owned.

What gives me Hope

What gives me hope is watching clients leave mediation with energy rather than exhaustion. With language for difficult conversations. With confidence that they can navigate future conflict without returning to crisis mode.

They tell me they recover more quickly when disagreements arise. That co-parenting feels less charged. That they trust themselves more.

That is the work I was searching for.

Looking Back. AND Forward

I do not see my earlier work as a failure. It was necessary to understand its limits. What I see now is evolution—a willingness to question a system that valued speed over substance and to choose a path that honors the human experience of conflict.

Becoming a transformative mediator has allowed my work to align with my values and my lived experience. It has given me a way to serve clients not just in ending disputes, but in building capacity for what comes next.

And that, for me, has made all the difference.

Tools for Life: The Skills Clients take with them from Transformative Mediation

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When people begin mediation, they often arrive focused on one goal: resolution. They want the conflict to end, the agreement to be signed, and the stress to ease. What many do not anticipate is that a well-facilitated, transformative mediation process offers far more than a single outcome.

It builds skills—practical, transferable tools that clients continue using long after the legal process is complete.

In my work, I see again and again that these skills are often the most enduring benefit of transformative mediation.

Listening to understand, not to respond

One of the first shifts clients experience is learning how to listen differently. In conflict, listening is often strategic—focused on rebuttal or self-protection. Transformative mediation slows the conversation down and creates space to listen for meaning rather than argument.

Clients begin to hear what is underneath the words: concerns about security, fear of loss, or a need for predictability. This kind of listening does not require agreement. It requires presence.

Post-divorce, clients frequently describe using this skill with co-parents, adult children, colleagues, and extended family. Listening to understand reduces escalation and creates room for more productive dialogue.

Asking clarifying Questions instead of making Assumptions

Conflict thrives on assumptions. When something feels threatening or unclear, people often fill in the gaps with worst-case interpretations.

Transformative mediation teaches clients how to ask clarifying questions rather than reacting to assumptions. Simple shifts, such as asking “Can you help me understand what you mean by that?” can prevent misunderstandings from spiraling into conflict.

Clients often report that this skill alone changes how they approach difficult conversations after divorce, particularly around co-parenting schedules, financial decisions, and future planning.

Managing reactive Moments

No one becomes immune to emotional reactions through mediation. What changes is how people respond when those reactions arise.

Transformative mediation helps clients recognize early signs of reactivity—tightening in the body, rising frustration, urgency to defend—and offers strategies to pause rather than escalate. That pause can be the difference between a productive conversation and a damaging one.

Clients describe using this skill in moments that matter: responding to an unexpected email, navigating a tense exchange with a former spouse, or handling conflict at work. The ability to slow down restores a sense of agency.

Making Values-Based Decisions

When fear drives decision-making, people often choose options that provide short-term relief but long-term dissatisfaction. Transformative mediation encourages clients to identify their values and use them as a decision-making framework.

Clients learn to ask themselves:

  • Does this choice align with who I want to be?
  • Will I feel at peace with this decision in five years?
  • What am I prioritizing right now—and why?

After divorce, clients frequently apply this skill to parenting decisions, career choices, and financial planning. Values-based decisions tend to hold up because they are rooted in clarity rather than pressure.

Using these Skills after Divorce: What Clients tell me

Clients often return months or years later and share how these skills have continued to serve them.

Some describe navigating co-parenting conflicts with less intensity and quicker repair. Others talk about setting clearer boundaries with extended family or approaching workplace conflict with more confidence. Many note that disagreements feel less threatening because they trust their ability to manage them.

These are not dramatic transformations. They are steady, meaningful shifts that support long-term well-being.

Why these Skills matter

Agreements can resolve a legal issue. Skills shape a life.

Transformative mediation recognizes that conflict is not an isolated event. It is a recurring human experience. When clients leave with tools they can rely on, they are better equipped to handle future challenges with resilience and clarity.

My Hope for Clients

My hope is that clients leave mediation not only with resolution, but with increased confidence in themselves. That they trust their capacity to listen, to ask questions, to manage emotions, and to make decisions aligned with their values.

These tools do not eliminate conflict. They change how people meet it.

And that is often the most lasting outcome of all.


If you’d like to learn these skills or have a brief consultation on your situation, please contact me and my team via our contact form.

Transformative Insight: How understanding Tax Impacts reduces Conflict immediately

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One of the most consistent patterns I see in divorce and conflict resolution is how quickly fear enters the room when finances are involved. Numbers feel permanent. Mistakes feel costly. And tax implications, when not understood, can quietly drive people into rigid positions without them even realizing it.

This is why clarity is central to my transformative, insight-based approach. Not as a technical exercise, but as a way to reduce fear and create movement.

When people understand the tax impact of their decisions, conflict often de-escalates almost immediately.

The overlooked Factor in many Settlements

In my experience, most attorneys and mediators overlook the tax implications of proposed settlements. The focus is often on dividing assets evenly on paper, meeting legal requirements, and moving the process toward completion.

What is frequently missed is how differently those “equal” divisions function once taxes are applied. An agreement can look fair in theory and still create long-term imbalance in practice.

When parties sense that something is unclear or risky, even if they cannot name it, defensiveness increases. Positions harden. Trust erodes.

Common Tax Issues that quietly fuel Conflict

Several tax consequences repeatedly show up as sources of hidden conflict when they are not addressed early:

  1. Capital Gains Taxes

Assets with the same face value can carry very different tax consequences. Investment properties, stock portfolios, or businesses may trigger significant capital gains taxes upon sale. When one person receives assets with built-in tax exposure and the other receives tax-neutral assets, the division may be equal on paper but unequal in real value.

  1. Selling the Family Home after Divorce

Decisions about the marital home are often emotionally charged, but they are also financially complex. Timing of sale, changes in filing status, and eligibility for capital gains exclusions can significantly affect the outcome. Without clarity, parties may argue over the home without understanding the financial implications of their positions.

  1. Imbalanced After-Tax Division of Assets

Cash, retirement accounts, and investments do not have the same after-tax value. Without adjusting for tax treatment, one party may unknowingly accept assets that will ultimately be worth far less. This imbalance often becomes apparent years later – long after the agreement is signed.

Who Claims the Children and WHEN

Another frequent source of conflict is who claims the children for tax purposes and in which years. Child-related tax benefits can be substantial, and when the allocation is vague or assumed rather than clearly addressed, resentment can surface quickly. Questions about alternating years, changes in income, or future modifications often remain unresolved, creating unnecessary tension long after the divorce is final.

When these issues are not clearly explained, people default to protecting themselves. Conflict escalates not because of bad intent, but because of uncertainty.

Why Taxes escalate Conflict so quickly

Tax consequences are rarely intuitive. Two proposals may appear equal until the after-tax impact is understood. Without clarity, people feel they are being asked to take a risk they cannot fully assess.

That fear often shows up as:

  • Positional bargaining
  • Distrust of proposals
  • Resistance to compromise
  • A focus on “winning” rather than understanding

In these moments, conflict is driven less by disagreement and more by fear of getting it wrong.

What happens when Clarity replaces Fear

When tax implications are clearly explained in plain language, the emotional tone of the conversation changes. People are no longer negotiating in the dark.

I consistently see clarity lead to:

  • Less positional bargaining, because decisions are grounded in real impact rather than assumptions
  • More empathy, as parties better understand each other’s concerns
  • More future-focused thinking, rather than short-term emotional reactions
  • Agreements that hold up over time, because people understand why they agreed

When people know what they are agreeing to—and why—it is easier to take ownership of the outcome.

Clarity as a Conflict-Reduction Tool

Providing a clear understanding of tax implications is not just about financial accuracy. It is a powerful conflict-reduction tool.

Clarity helps people make informed decisions, feel steadier during negotiation, and reduce fear-based reactions. This reinforces a core principle of my work: clarity reduces fear, and reduced fear reduces conflict.

My Hope for Clients

My hope is that clients leave the process feeling grounded rather than overwhelmed. That they understand not only what they agreed to, but why. That financial decisions feel intentional rather than reactive.

Transformative insight does not eliminate difficulty, but it changes how people move through it.

And often, that transformation begins with clarity.

If you’d like to experience clarity in your situation, please contact me and my team via our contact form.

From transactional to transformative: What Clients gain when Divorce goes beyond “the Deal”

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When people first come to me during divorce or conflict, they often believe the goal is simple: get through it. Finalize the documents. Meet the deadlines. Reach a deal that allows life to move forward.

I understand that instinct. I have lived close to conflict myself, both personally and professionally. I also know that focusing only on “the deal” can leave people technically finished, but emotionally and relationally stuck.

That is why my work is intentionally transformative rather than purely transactional.

Why “Getting the Deal Done” is often not enough

Traditional divorce and conflict resolution systems are designed to manage tasks. They are efficient at moving paperwork, assigning responsibilities, and defining outcomes. In many cases, they succeed at producing enforceable agreements.

What they often do not address is how the parties arrive at those agreements.

When people feel rushed, pressured, or unheard, they may comply simply to end the discomfort. On paper, this looks like success. In real life, it often leads to ongoing conflict, repeated disputes, and a lingering sense that something important was missed.

I see clients who followed every rule and signed every document, AND still feel unsettled.

My Hope for Clients: Clarity, not just closure

My transformative, insight-based approach starts with a different intention. My hope is not just that clients leave with an agreement, but that they leave with clarity.

Clarity about:

  • What actually matters to them
  • Why certain issues feel immovable
  • How past misunderstandings shaped the conflict
  • What they need in order to move forward with confidence

When people gain this kind of understanding, decision-making changes. Choices become grounded rather than reactive. Agreements begin to feel like their own, not something imposed from the outside.

Compliance versus Ownership: What I see in Practice

One of the clearest differences I observe is the difference between compliance and ownership.

Compliance shows up when people agree because they feel boxed in. 

Ownership shows up when people understand the reasoning behind their choices and recognize themselves in the outcome.

Clients are far more likely to follow through on agreements they helped build from a place of understanding rather than fear or fatigue. Ownership creates durability. It reduces the need for enforcement and the likelihood of returning to conflict. This is not theoretical. It is something I witness repeatedly.

Conflict is often about misunderstanding, not Malice

One of the most important shifts I invite clients to consider is this: 

Most conflict is not driven by bad intent. 

It is driven by misunderstanding.

People speak from different fears, priorities, and lived experiences. When those differences are not recognized, communication breaks down. Assumptions fill the gaps. Positions harden.

My role is not to decide who is right. It is to slow the process enough to uncover what is actually happening beneath the surface what feels threatened, what feels unseen, and what has not yet been clearly articulated.

When understanding increases, defensiveness often softens. Movement becomes possible.

What makes the Insight Approach different

The Insight Approach does not push people toward predetermined outcomes. It focuses on why people feel stuck and what helps them shift.

That shift may come from:

  • Naming unspoken concerns
  • Reframing long-held assumptions
  • Recognizing emotional triggers
  • Learning how to communicate without escalating

These are not just tools for resolving the current dispute. They are skills clients carry forward into future interactions, especially important when ongoing relationships, such as co-parenting, remain part of the picture.

Beyond the Agreement

An agreement can end a legal process. It cannot, on its own, create understanding, trust, or peace of mind.

My hope for every client is that they leave the process not only with resolution, but with a deeper sense of agency. That they understand themselves better. That they feel more confident navigating difficult conversations. That they experience conflict as something they can engage with thoughtfully rather than something that controls them.

When divorce and conflict resolution go beyond “the deal,” they become an opportunity – not for perfection, but for meaningful change.

Please reach out with any questions via my contact form. I am happy to answer your questions if you feel this way of working is resonating with you.

Who Does What in Divorce: Understanding the Key Roles

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(Therapist vs. Financial Advisor vs. Lawyer vs. Mediator vs. Divorce Coach vs. Financial Neutral)

Divorce can feel like you’re trying to assemble a team without knowing the rules of the game. Each professional has a distinct role. Knowing who does what can save you time, money, and emotional energy.

Therapist: Emotions, patterns, and healing

Supports your mental and emotional wellbeing so you can process grief, fear, anger, and change.

They may help you understand triggers and relational patterns, but does not manage legal decisions or negotiation strategy.

My tip: Keep a Therapist for emotional health throughout the process.

Financial Advisor: Personal financial guidance for a strong future foundation

Helps you with investment planning, retirement strategy, and long-term financial stability.

They may assist with dividing assets, but not ongoing support or legal decisions.

My tip: Keep a Financial Advisor when you need long-term investment strategy and financial stability after the divorce is finalized.

The Lawyer (Collaborative or Traditional): Legal rights + protection

Explains your options, negotiates on your behalf, and ensures agreements are legally sound.

In Collaborative Divorce, lawyers commit to problem-solving without court.

In litigation, they advocate before a judge.

My tip: Engage Collaborative Lawyers when trust is low or issues are complex (business interests, special needs, safety planning).

The Mediator: A neutral facilitator for both spouses

Guides productive dialogue, ensures transparency, and drafts agreements you design together.

They help reality-test options and keep the agenda focused on resolution.

My tip: Choose a Mediator when both are willing to disclose and negotiate in good faith.

Divorce Coach: Future-focused, strategy + skills

Helps you show up as your best self in an organized, confident, and clear way.

They prepare you for conversations, sessions, and decisions. But are not therapy or legal advice.

My tip: Use a Divorce Coach when you need communication scripts, accountability, and clarity between sessions.

A Financial Neutral: Facts + future planning for both spouses

Organizes the full financial picture (assets, debts, budgets, projections) so decisions are transparent and informed.

They usually work with both spouses, not one and they are not pushing outcomes. Nor they will be taking sides.

My tip: Use a Financial Neutral when you need clear numbers, budgeting guidance, and options for dividing assets and supporting two homes.

Easy Math:

Right Role + Right Time = Less Chaos and better Outcomes

Each professional supports a different part of your journey. When they work together AND you bring in the right help at the right moment, I promise everything gets clearer.

If you’d like help identifying which step comes next for you, I’m here to guide you. Use our contact form and we’ll get back to you within 48 hours.

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Why the Collaborative Team makes Divorce easier

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One of the most powerful parts of collaborative divorce is the team approach. Instead of facing everything alone, you have a group of caring professionals walking alongside you and your family. Each person brings their own strengths, so you are supported in every area that matters most.

Your Attorneys: Steady Legal Guides

Divorce comes with lots of questions about rights, responsibilities, and paperwork. Collaborative attorneys are there to guide you through the legal side of things. Their goal is not to fight, but to help you and your spouse find fair solutions that work for your family and are not limited by the law.

Financial Neutrals: Clarity around the Numbers

Money can feel overwhelming during divorce. A financial neutral helps both spouses see the full picture—assets, debts, budgets, and future plans. With their support, financial decisions feel less stressful and more informed.

Coaches: Support for Communication and Emotions

Divorce is not just a legal process; it is an emotional one too. Coaches help keep conversations respectful and productive, even when emotions run high. They support you in communicating clearly so decisions can be made with less conflict.

Child Specialists: Keeping Kids at the Heart of it all

If you have children, their well-being is the top priority. A child specialist helps bring your children’s needs and perspectives into the process in a healthy way. They guide parents in creating parenting plans that truly work for kids at every stage.

Why it works

When each professional focuses on what they do best, families can move through divorce with less conflict, more clarity, and greater peace of mind. The team approach helps you feel supported, understood, and prepared for the next chapter of your life.

Collaborative Divorce vs. Mediation: What’s the Difference?

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Both mediation and collaborative divorce keep families out of court. What’s different is the level of support.

When people first learn there are alternatives to a traditional courtroom divorce, one of the first questions I hear is:

“What is the difference between collaborative divorce and mediation?”

It’s a great question, because while both processes are designed to reduce conflict and keep decision-making in YOUR hands (not a judge’s), they work in different ways. Both mediation and collaborative divorce keep families out of court. The thing that is different is the level of support.

Mediation: One neutral Guide

In mediation, you and your spouse work with a neutral third party, the Mediator. The mediator does not represent either of you and cannot give legal advice. Their role is to guide the conversation, help you communicate productively, and support you in finding common ground.

  • If you need legal advice, you can consult your own attorney outside of the mediation sessions.
  • The mediator facilitates the discussion but does not advocate for either spouse.

Collaborative Divorce: A Team Approach

Collaborative divorce offers more built-in support. Each spouse has their own collaborative attorney, and depending on your family’s needs, other professionals may join the team, like:

  • Financial neutrals to organize and explain the money matters
  • Coaches to support communication and manage emotions
  • Child specialists to make sure kids’ needs stay front and center

Everyone (yes, including the attorneys!) signs a written agreement committing not to go to court. This changes the dynamic from the start: the focus is on problem-solving and creating lasting solutions for the whole family.

An Example: Sarah and Mark

Sarah and Mark are divorcing after 15 years of marriage.

  • In mediation, Sarah and Mark meet with a mediator who helps them talk through parenting time, property division, and support. When Sarah feels unsure about a financial question, she pauses to consult her lawyer outside of the mediation. Then, they return to the mediator to keep working toward an agreement.
  • In collaborative divorce, Sarah and Mark each have a collaborative attorney in the room. A financial neutral helps them sort out retirement accounts and plan for the future. A coach keeps conversations respectful and on track. A child specialist helps design a parenting plan that supports their kids’ needs. The whole team works together to guide the process.

Which Option is right for you and your family?

Both Mediation and Collaborative Divorce give families a respectful, out-of-court path. Mediation can be a good fit if you and your spouse communicate well and just need some structure for your discussions. Collaborative divorce may be the better choice if you want more professional support, especially when finances are complex and/or children are involved.

If you would like to talk through which process may be best for your family, I would be happy to connect with you. Please use this contact form: LINK

Collaborative Divorce: Choosing Growth over Battle

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When my own marriages ended, I learned firsthand that divorce is never just about paperwork or dividing assets. It shakes the foundation of who you thought you were, what you believed about family, and how you imagined your future. For a long time, I carried the weight of guilt, shame, and fear—believing that leaving meant I had failed.

But as painful as those seasons were, they became the turning point of my life. They forced me to pause, reflect, and ask:

Who am I now? Who do I want to be moving forward?

And that is where transformation began.

A different kind of Courage

In my early experiences with divorce, I often felt like survival required bracing for battle. But what I discovered was that the harder, braver path wasn’t about fighting. It was about opening myself up to vulnerability. It was about looking inward, facing patterns I wanted to break, and daring to believe that divorce could be more than an ending.

This is why Collaborative Divorce resonates so deeply with me. It honors courage not as aggression, but as the strength to walk through uncertainty with dignity. It gives couples a framework to step away from war and instead become architects of the next stage of their lives.

From Pain to Purpose

My story has shaped the way I practice law. I know the ache of sleepless nights, the confusion of trying to make decisions in the middle of heartbreak, and the longing to protect my children from chaos. I also know that, when approached with reflection and support, divorce can become an invitation to grow.

In my work, I often ask clients the same questions I once asked myself:

  • What values matter most to you now?
  • What do you want your children to remember about this season?
  • What story do you want to carry into the next chapter of your life?

These questions turn pain into purpose. They shift the focus from what is ending to what is possible.

Collaboration as Healing

Collaborative Divorce gives people tools to move through this transition in a way that heals rather than deepens wounds. It provides a team—legal, financial, and emotional—who walk alongside you, ensuring your humanity isn’t lost in the process.

For me, this is more than professional practice. It is deeply personal. I believe divorce should not strip you of your dignity. It should not silence your voice. It should not leave you broken beyond repair.

Instead, it can be a moment where you reclaim who you are and begin to live from a place of clarity and strength.

The Butterfly beyond the Storm

I often think of the butterfly. To reach its wings, it must endure the dark, constricting chrysalis. In many ways, divorce is that chrysalis. It feels suffocating, even unbearable at times. But within it lies the work of transformation, the breaking down of what no longer serves you and the re-formation of something entirely new. Have you spotted the butterfly in my firm’s logo yet?

I know this because I’ve lived it. And I’ve seen clients live it too. When people choose collaboration over conflict, they emerge not just divorced, but transformed; More grounded, more self-aware, and more hopeful than they imagined possible.

Reimagining what’s Possible

My personal journey taught me that endings are not failures. They are invitations. An invitation to shed what no longer fits, to reimagine what family and self can mean, and to walk forward with a renewed sense of purpose.

This is why I believe so passionately in Collaborative Divorce. It isn’t just a process it’s a pathway. One that allows couples to honor what was, release what no longer serves them, and step into what can be.

If you find yourself standing at the threshold of divorce, know this: you are not broken. You are becoming. Collaborative Divorce can give you the tools and the space to honor your humanity while you take the brave step into your next chapter. Contact me through this form: Contact Here

Why I Love Collaborative Divorce and Mediation

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Recently, I came across a New York Times opinion article by Lara Bazelon titled “Divorce Can Be an Act of Radical Self-Love.” Bazelon, a professor at the University of San Francisco School of Law, shares her divorce experience, and her reflections deeply resonated with my own experiences—both personally and professionally.

Collaborative Divorce and Mediation

Competing Roles. Bazelon’s account highlights the tension couples face when their views on marriage and partnership diverge radically. She grapples with questions many of us have faced: Should one spouse sacrifice their professional ambitions to conform to the other’s vision of what a partner or parent should be—even if it means, as Bazelon describes it, “lopping off a vital part of [oneself]”? And does staying in an unhappy marriage truly serve the best interests of the children?

As Bazelon and I both discovered, remaining in a marriage that feels stifling or unbalanced isn’t necessarily better for the children. She writes:

“We stayed together for the kids” is a common refrain reflecting an ingrained belief that anything is better than a ‘broken family.’ To which I silently reply, you aren’t fooling anyone. Children know on an intuitive level what their parents are thinking and feeling. Long frosty silences, screaming matches, and unrelenting tension between parents can inflict damage on the well-being of their children.”

Depleting Life Savings. For 17 years, I litigated high-conflict divorces and witnessed firsthand the destruction that this traditional adversarial approach often wrought on families. It was heartbreaking to see relationships fracture beyond repair, not only leaving emotional wounds that sometimes lasted for years but also depleting a family’s life savings.

But I know there’s a better way. Divorce doesn’t have to mean irreparable harm to the family unit. It requires re-imagining what “intact” means. An “intact” family isn’t limited to two parents remaining married or living under the same roof—it’s one where both parents are fully committed to raising healthy, happy children, even if that happens in two homes.

Why Collaborative Divorce or Mediation Is the Right Option

This is why I’m so passionate about what I do now. By focusing on collaborative divorce and mediation, I can guide families through this transformative period with care and compassion. I help parents preserve their ability to co-parent effectively, creating an environment where their children can thrive. In these processes, we focus not on “winning” but on creating solutions that allow every member of the family to move forward toward their best possible future.

No more shame! Divorce doesn’t have to be seen as shameful or a failure. As Bazelon so eloquently affirms, sometimes, “Divorce can be an Act of Radical Self-Love.” And when approached with the right mindset and tools, it can also be an act of love for your family.

If you are interested in finding a better way to divorce or separate, please reach out to our team at (801)464-4004 or assistant@telferfamilylaw.com.

Our office is located at 2150 South 1300 East #500, Salt Lake City, UT 84106.

The Art of Mediation: Navigating Conflict with Skill and Empathy

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In a world where conflicts are as common as they are inevitable, mediation emerges as a beacon of hope. Unlike traditional litigation, which often exacerbates disputes and entrenches adversarial positions, mediation offers a collaborative path to resolution. This blog piece delves into the essence of mediation, its benefits, and why it might be the ideal choice for resolving conflicts.

What is Mediation?

Mediation is a structured, yet flexible process in which a neutral third party, known as a mediator, facilitates communication between disputing parties. The mediator’s role is not to impose a solution but to help the parties explore their needs and interests, ultimately guiding them toward a mutually agreeable resolution.

The Mediation Process

Our Family In Two Homes
  1. Initial Individual Meetings: Mediation typically begins with me meeting individually with each party to explain the process, explore the decisions that need to be made,  what is most important to each party, and why.  This step is crucial for establishing trust, ensuring that the parties understand the mediation’s purpose and procedure, and ensuring I understand the needs, interest, values, and concerns of each party prior to meeting jointly.
  2. Joint Sessions: In these sessions, the couple come together to discuss their issues openly. I help manage the dialogue, ensuring that each party has the opportunity to speak and be heard.
  3. Private Caucuses: Sometimes, I will meet with each party individually during the joint sessions to explore their perspectives and concerns in a confidential setting. This can help uncover underlying issues and generate ideas for resolution.
  4. Negotiation: Through facilitated discussions and negotiations, I assist the parties in identifying common ground and crafting solutions that address the interests of all involved.
  5. Agreement: Once a resolution is reached, I can draft a formal agreement that outlines the terms of the settlement. This document can be legally binding, depending on the jurisdiction and the nature of the dispute.

Why Choose Mediation?

  1. Cost-Effective: Mediation is often less expensive than going to court. The process typically takes less time, which translates into lower legal fees and less disruption to the parties’ lives.
  2. Confidential: Unlike court proceedings, which are public records, mediation sessions are private. This confidentiality can be crucial for parties who want to protect their reputations and keep sensitive information out of the public eye.
  3. Control and Flexibility: In mediation, the parties have greater control over the outcome. Unlike a judge or jury, who imposes a decision, the parties work together to create a solution that works for everyone involved.
  4. Preservation of Relationships: Mediation is particularly useful in disputes where maintaining an ongoing relationship is important, such as in family, workplace, or business conflicts. The collaborative nature of mediation helps to preserve relationships and foster mutual respect.
  5. High Success Rate: Research shows that mediation has a high success rate in resolving disputes. The voluntary nature of the process means that agreements reached are more likely to be adhered to, as they are crafted by the parties themselves.

When Mediation Might Not Be Suitable

While mediation offers many advantages, it’s not always the right choice. Mediation may not be appropriate in situations where there is a significant power imbalance between the parties, when one party is unwilling to negotiate in good faith, or in cases involving criminal matters. In such situations, other forms of dispute resolution or legal proceedings might be necessary.

The Role of the Mediator

My effectiveness as a mediator, hinges on several key qualities: neutrality, empathy, patience, curiosity and strong communication skills. I must remain impartial, build rapport with both parties, and guide the discussion in a way that fosters understanding and cooperation.  My role is to help the parties hear and understand each other so that the parties can make the best decisions about their future. 

Conclusion

Mediation represents a powerful alternative to traditional litigation, offering a more collaborative, cost-effective, and respectful way to resolve disputes. By focusing on dialogue, understanding, and mutual agreement, mediation not only addresses the immediate conflict but also promotes long-term relationships and solutions. Whether you’re facing a personal, family, or business dispute, considering mediation could be your pathway to a more harmonious resolution.

For more information, feel free to reach out to me and my team at (801)464-4004.

What is the Difference Between Collaborative Divorce and Mediation?

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I cannot count the number of times that prospective clients are shocked to learn that there are ways to divorce or resolve their family law dispute without the nastiness of court.  The court system is set up to be adversarial.  However, there are ways to resolve your family law dispute amicably without going to court. This does not mean that there will be no conflict. With the right professionals, there are alternative dispute resolution approaches that support parties resolving their conflict in more healthy and less traumatic ways.  Collaborative Divorce (also referred to as Collaborative Practice, Collaborative Law, or Collaborative Process) and Mediation are two such approaches.  Folks often confuse the two so here is an explanation of the differences.

Collaborative Divorce

Collaborative Divorce is a voluntary dispute resolution process where parties commit to settling their divorce or family law dispute without going to court.  A collaborative divorce is not limited to married spouses but also applies to unmarried couples who are separating or involved in a child custody dispute.  In a contested family law dispute, judges are required to make the final decision and are limited by state law.  Parties electing the Collaborative Divorce approach maintain control over the entire process.  The collaborative process allows parties to maintain flexibility and creativity in reaching solutions that focus on the needs and interests of their unique situation rather than focus on the rights and obligations defined by law.

In a Collaborative Divorce, each party hires an attorney specially trained in the collaborative process.  (Beware there are attorneys who claim to be collaborative law attorneys but have not received the specialized training). Each party, with their attorney, signs a collaborative participation agreement that describes the collaborative process.  Specifically, the parties agree to voluntarily disclose all information that is relevant and material to their case.  Each party agrees to use good faith efforts in their negotiations. Each party agrees to treat the other with respect.  The parties agree to keep the discussions and process confidential.   If the parties are unable to reach a settlement and a contested court proceeding commences, each lawyer’s representation terminates, and the parties must find new litigation counsel.  This provides a safe container for the parties to be creative without the threat of proposals or information being used against them in court.  It also provides the incentive to work through the issues and reach a final resolution.

The process utilizes a team approach that supports the parties throughout the process.  This process is a complete paradigm shift for attorneys.  Instead of proceeding in an adversarial manner, collaboratively trained attorneys with the parties work together to support the immediate and future needs of the family unit.  Parties also have the option to retain other professionals with specialized knowledge.  For example, a financial neutral (e.g. accountant or certified divorce financial advisor) are often retained to analyze the financial data and assist parties in generating settlement options on financial issues such as child support, alimony, and the division of property acquired during the marriage or relationship.   A mental health professional trained in the collaborative process (often referred to as divorce coaches or facilitators) can also be hired to assist in developing parenting plans.  Divorce coaches assist parties to work through the emotional and communication barriers that often impede resolution.

The most significant difference between a Collaborative Divorce from traditional litigation or mediation is that you and your spouse/partner have a team of trained professionals who are there to support and guide you through the entire process.  You have the benefit of lawyers, divorce coaches, and financial neutrals who are there to help reach the best possible outcome for your family. The process promotes open communication and transparency.  You are able to create shared solutions focused on your highest priorities.

Mediation

Mediation is another voluntary approach to resolving disputes for families in conflict.  Mediators are neutral professionals trained to assist divorcing or separating couples in reaching a settlement.  Unlike in a collaborative divorce, parties can retain a mediator without retaining an attorney. However, a mediator does not have the authority to make a decision for the parties nor can a mediator provide legal advice.  A mediator is a neutral third party who works with the couple to find a mutually acceptable resolution.

In mediation, the divorcing or separating couple meet with the mediator.  Each party has the option to retain an attorney, who can also attend mediation.  Mediation starts with everyone in the same room although some mediators prefer keeping the parties in separate rooms.  The mediator has the parties identify the issues that need to be resolved.  The parties then begin negotiations by offering their respective settlement proposals. The mediator then works with the parties to reach a resolution.  The mediator helps the parties focus on what is important and find areas of compromise.  Mediators can help clarify the issues, assess the strengths and weaknesses of each party’s positions, and provide reality checks. Mediators also offer creative approaches and innovative solutions while maintaining their neutral and unbiased perspectives.  Similar to Collaborative Divorce, mediation is a confidential process, which means that statements, settlement offers, or other information discussed during mediation cannot be used or brought up in a court proceeding.

Collaborative Divorce and Mediation are two effective alternative dispute resolution processes available to those interested in staying out of the adversarial court system.  Both processes minimize the trauma on you and your family.   Both processes are generally less expensive than a contested divorce, paternity, or custody dispute litigated in court.  Most important, you and your spouse/partner maintain control over the entire process.