Telfer Family Law & Mediation

Salt Lake City Divorce & Mediation

phone number 801-464-4004

Personal Reflections

Growth and Change

By

Post-Nuptial Agreements as Relationship Tools

When Life changes after “I Do”: Understanding Post-Nuptial Agreements

Most people think of relationship planning as something that happens before the wedding. But marriage is not static. Careers shift, families grow, health changes, and financial landscapes evolve. A post-nuptial agreement — created after marriage — can be a way to thoughtfully respond to those changes together.

Rather than signaling trouble, a post-nup can reflect maturity: a willingness to adjust agreements as real life unfolds.

Post-Nups as responsive Planning

There is a common misconception that post-nuptial agreements only appear when a marriage is in crisis. In reality, many strong couples use them as tools for clarity during times of transition.

A post-nup says, “Our circumstances have changed. Let us revisit how we want to handle things now.” That is not failure. That is responsiveness.

Just as couples update estate plans or insurance policies over time, it makes sense to revisit financial understandings as a marriage grows and shifts.

Life Changes that often prompt Post-Nups

Certain transitions naturally raise new questions about fairness, risk, and long-term security:

Career shifts or business growth
If one partner starts a business, receives equity compensation, or experiences a significant rise in income, the couple may want to clarify how that growth is treated and how risk is shared.

One partner stepping back for caregiving
When a spouse reduces work hours or leaves a career to care for children or aging parents, the financial partnership changes. A post-nup can acknowledge that non-financial contributions deserve protection and recognition.

Inheritances or financial windfalls
Unexpected assets can create uncertainty. Couples may want to decide together how those funds fit into their shared life while respecting personal or family intentions.

Health changes or increased financial risk
A diagnosis, disability, or a career that carries new liability risks may prompt conversations about security, support, and how to shield family stability.

→ These are not signs of a weak marriage. They are signs of a life in motion.

When contributions shift, resentment can grow quietly

Over time, many couples experience an imbalance between financial and non-financial contributions. One partner may feel pressure as the primary earner. The other may feel unseen in caregiving or household labor.

If these shifts remain unspoken, resentment can build quietly. A post-nup conversation can open space to say:

  • “Our roles have changed.”
  • “I want to feel secure in the sacrifices I am making.”
  • “I want us both to feel this is fair.”

Putting language, and sometimes legal structure, around those changes can transform unspoken tension into mutual understanding.

How Post-Nups can strengthen Marriages

Far from threatening a marriage, a well-handled post-nup can reinforce partnership. It shows that both people are willing to revisit assumptions, acknowledge change, and make intentional choices together.

Clarity reduces fear. Fairness reduces resentment. Shared decision-making builds trust. These are foundations of strong marriages, not warning signs of weak ones.

A post-nup can be one of the ways couples say, “We are still a team, even as life changes.”

A Tool that supports the Conversation

To help couples move into these discussions with care rather than defensiveness, I often use the Designing Our Future workbook created by Jacinta Gallant. The workbook guides couples through structured conversations about values, expectations, financial philosophies, and long-term goals before those ideas are translated into legal language.

Instead of beginning with technical provisions, couples first explore questions like what financial partnership means to them now, how their roles have evolved, and what each person needs in order to feel secure and respected. This shared reflection builds understanding and helps ensure that any agreement grows out of mutual clarity rather than fear or assumption.

Healthy relationships evolve, and thoughtful planning allows agreements to evolve with them. At their best, pre- and post-nuptial agreements are not about control or fear. They are about clarity, respect, and caring enough to plan together.

With Clarity & Care,

Diana

The Moment I realized my Work had shifted: A Personal Reflection on Becoming a Transformative Mediator

By

For a long time, I did exactly what the system asked of me.

I zealously advocated for my client in an adversarial system. I prepared for battle, protected positions, and worked hard to secure outcomes that looked successful on paper. I participated in marathon mediations where the goal was endurance—stay at the table long enough and an agreement would eventually emerge.

And often, it did.

But over time, I began to notice something that unsettled me.

When “Success” did not feel Like Success

Many clients left those marathon mediation days exhausted rather than relieved. Agreements were reached, but they often felt forced—products of pressure, fatigue, and fear rather than clarity or understanding.

I watched clients nod along, eager for it to be over, only to return later with new disputes. The conflict had not resolved; it had simply changed form. What was framed as finality was, in reality, a pause.

The process was efficient. It was also deeply human in its cost.

The Limits of the Adversarial Model

The adversarial system is designed to create winners and losers. Zealous advocacy has its place, particularly when safety or power imbalances are present. But I began to see how often this framework amplified defensiveness rather than resolved it.

People were encouraged to harden their positions, simplify complex emotions into legal arguments, and move quickly toward outcomes that did not reflect the full reality of their lives—especially when ongoing relationships, like co-parenting, were involved.

The approach was, in many ways, cookie-cutter. The same tools were applied regardless of the people, the dynamics, or the long-term consequences.

The Moment of Reckoning

What finally shifted my perspective was not a single dramatic case, but a growing pattern. I could no longer ignore the disconnect between what the system valued and what my clients actually needed.

They needed:

  • To feel heard, not managed
  • To understand their choices, not just accept them
  • To leave the process with confidence, not lingering doubt

I realized that I was helping people end legal disputes without helping them understand the conflict itself.

That realization changed how I thought about my role.

Choosing a Different Way

I began moving toward a transformative, insight-based approach because it allowed for something the transactional system did not: space.

Space to slow down. Space to explore what was underneath the positions. Space to recognize fear, grief, and misunderstanding as information rather than obstacles.

Instead of pushing for agreement at all costs, I became more interested in what helped people shift internally. What reduced defensiveness. What restored a sense of agency.

The difference was immediate—and profound.

How my Work feels different now

Today, my work as an attorney representing clients or as a neutral mediator is less about forcing resolution and more about creating clarity. I no longer measure success by how quickly an agreement is reached, but by how grounded people feel in the decisions they make.

I pay close attention to moments of resistance or reactivity, because those moments often signal where understanding is missing. Rather than rushing past them, we explore them.

Agreements reached this way tend to last—not because they are perfect, but because they are owned.

What gives me Hope

What gives me hope is watching clients leave mediation with energy rather than exhaustion. With language for difficult conversations. With confidence that they can navigate future conflict without returning to crisis mode.

They tell me they recover more quickly when disagreements arise. That co-parenting feels less charged. That they trust themselves more.

That is the work I was searching for.

Looking Back. AND Forward

I do not see my earlier work as a failure. It was necessary to understand its limits. What I see now is evolution—a willingness to question a system that valued speed over substance and to choose a path that honors the human experience of conflict.

Becoming a transformative mediator has allowed my work to align with my values and my lived experience. It has given me a way to serve clients not just in ending disputes, but in building capacity for what comes next.

And that, for me, has made all the difference.

Diana Telfer Named to 2025 Utah Super Lawyer List

By

We are pleased to announce that Diana Telfer, founder of Telfer Family Law & Mediation, has been selected to the 2025 Utah Super Lawyers® list.

This honor is especially meaningful because no more than five percent of attorneys in the state are recognized with this distinction.

About Super Lawyers®

Super Lawyers®, part of Thomson Reuters, is a research-driven, peer-influenced rating service of outstanding attorneys who have attained a high degree of peer recognition and professional achievement. Attorneys are chosen from more than 70 practice areas and from firms of all sizes, assuring that the annual list is credible, comprehensive, and relevant.

Selections are made using a patented multiphase process that includes:

  • Peer nominations
  • Independent research by Super Lawyers®
  • Evaluations from a highly credentialed panel of attorneys

The objective of Super Lawyers® is to create a trusted resource for both referring attorneys and individuals seeking legal counsel.

Congratulations to Diana Telfer

Please join us in congratulating Diana Telfer on this well-deserved recognition and honor. Her dedication to providing thoughtful, compassionate, and effective family law and mediation services continues to make a positive difference in the lives of families across Utah.

Why I Love Collaborative Divorce and Mediation

By

Recently, I came across a New York Times opinion article by Lara Bazelon titled “Divorce Can Be an Act of Radical Self-Love.” Bazelon, a professor at the University of San Francisco School of Law, shares her divorce experience, and her reflections deeply resonated with my own experiences—both personally and professionally.

Collaborative Divorce and Mediation

Competing Roles. Bazelon’s account highlights the tension couples face when their views on marriage and partnership diverge radically. She grapples with questions many of us have faced: Should one spouse sacrifice their professional ambitions to conform to the other’s vision of what a partner or parent should be—even if it means, as Bazelon describes it, “lopping off a vital part of [oneself]”? And does staying in an unhappy marriage truly serve the best interests of the children?

As Bazelon and I both discovered, remaining in a marriage that feels stifling or unbalanced isn’t necessarily better for the children. She writes:

“We stayed together for the kids” is a common refrain reflecting an ingrained belief that anything is better than a ‘broken family.’ To which I silently reply, you aren’t fooling anyone. Children know on an intuitive level what their parents are thinking and feeling. Long frosty silences, screaming matches, and unrelenting tension between parents can inflict damage on the well-being of their children.”

Depleting Life Savings. For 17 years, I litigated high-conflict divorces and witnessed firsthand the destruction that this traditional adversarial approach often wrought on families. It was heartbreaking to see relationships fracture beyond repair, not only leaving emotional wounds that sometimes lasted for years but also depleting a family’s life savings.

But I know there’s a better way. Divorce doesn’t have to mean irreparable harm to the family unit. It requires re-imagining what “intact” means. An “intact” family isn’t limited to two parents remaining married or living under the same roof—it’s one where both parents are fully committed to raising healthy, happy children, even if that happens in two homes.

Why Collaborative Divorce or Mediation Is the Right Option

This is why I’m so passionate about what I do now. By focusing on collaborative divorce and mediation, I can guide families through this transformative period with care and compassion. I help parents preserve their ability to co-parent effectively, creating an environment where their children can thrive. In these processes, we focus not on “winning” but on creating solutions that allow every member of the family to move forward toward their best possible future.

No more shame! Divorce doesn’t have to be seen as shameful or a failure. As Bazelon so eloquently affirms, sometimes, “Divorce can be an Act of Radical Self-Love.” And when approached with the right mindset and tools, it can also be an act of love for your family.

If you are interested in finding a better way to divorce or separate, please reach out to our team at (801)464-4004 or assistant@telferfamilylaw.com.

Our office is located at 2150 South 1300 East #500, Salt Lake City, UT 84106.

Embracing Financial Empowerment: A Divorcee’s Journey to Financial Literacy

By

How the Guidance of a Certified Financial Divorce Advisor Can Change Lives

When Sandra walked through my door for her initial consultation, I was quite impressed. She definitely looked the part of a high-power executive. Her walk, handshake, and appearance all exuded confidence.  She had risen through the ranks of a successful high-tech company to her current position of Senior Vice President. She and her husband, Bob, had met 15 years ago when the company was just a startup. They were married soon thereafter and had two children, who are now 12 and 10. When the children were very young, and Sandra was promoted to a vice president position, Sandra and Bob agreed that it would be best for Bob to stay home to care for the children. While Bob cared for the children, he also managed the family’s finances and had done well investing their savings.

A Marriage Meets Its Challenges. However, Bob recently approached Sandra that he was not happy in their marriage and wanted a divorce. He felt alone in their marriage with Sandra’s focus on her career and the children, which left very little time for Bob. Sandra was devastated. We started talking through the various decisions that would need to be made. When I began asking her about the couple’s financial circumstances, Sandra’s demeanor changed.

Empowerment

Confronting Financial Ignorance. I asked her what had shifted in the conversation. Sandra admitted she was embarrassed that she had left the finances entirely to her husband and she only had a vague idea of their financial situation.  She knew her husband had invested well so she had not paid much attention. Plus talking about money caused Sandra stress. Growing up money was tight and most of her parents ‘arguments revolved around money. Sandra managed her money by looking at her checking account balance and she spent according to what was in her account. Sandra admitted that she was embarrassed that she felt ignorant about her personal finances. Looking like an idiot in any circumstance was her biggest fear.

Wider Financial Fears Among Women. Sandra is not alone in having a complicated relationship with money. In a 2023 Fidelity Investment survey, women’s number one source of stress is money. The survey revealed that women’s primary goal is to shore up the wealth they lack because they have 30 cents of wealth for every dollar a white man possesses. Men’s primary financial goal is saving for retirement.  Another roadblock for women building financial wealth is that they tend to be the adult child who bears the primary care-taking responsibility of aging parents.  A study by Equitable, a financial services organization, involving more than 1,200 U.S. women revealed how relationship status affects women’s attitudes and behaviors toward finances. While having sufficient money to cover unexpected expenses is top concern regardless of relationship status, singe, divorced and widowed women reported meeting short-term financial needs (e.g. being able to pay monthly expenses) was also a major worry.

The Proactive Approach: Hiring a Financial Neutral. One in four divorced women start working with a financial professional after their marriage ends. However, at Telfer Family Law & Mediation, I encourage my clients to not wait until after the divorce but to retain a financial neutral during the separation and/or divorce process. A certified financial divorce advisor (CDFA) assists clients in gathering the relevant financial documents, developing realistic budgets, determining reasonable spousal support amounts, and dividing a couple’s marital estate that best supports each spouse’s needs, interests, and goals.

Conclusion: Financial Empowerment Post-Divorce. At the conclusion of Sandra’s divorce and with the help of a CDFA, Sandra felt much more comfortable with her finances. The financial neutral was able to educate Sandra around her finances without judgment. Sandra came away with a better understanding of her financial state and felt confident in her ability to manage her money better and continue to grow her financial wealth. While the divorce was difficult, she was able to take the opportunity to transform her relationship with money.

Navigating your finances during a divorce can feel overwhelming, but you don’t have to do it alone. At Telfer Family Law & Mediation, our team is ready to provide you with the expertise and support you need to ensure a fair and empowering financial outcome.

Our office is located at 2150 South 1300 East #500, Salt Lake City, UT 84106.

Contact us today at (801) 464-4004 to empower your financial future with trusted guidance!

Reflection: The Path to Empowered Advocacy

By

I was raised to work. My father’s mentality was “God helps those that help themselves.” While my childhood friends enjoyed watching Saturday morning cartoons, I had my weekly chores to complete: cleaning my room, cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming and dusting the living rooms and hallways, and then weeding. Growing up in California, weeding was year-round and I hated it. Holidays were also spent working. I vividly remember a Thanksgiving where my parents told my brother and I that if we finished weeding the garden, which was no small job with flower gardens surrounding our home and an overrun juniper garden encircled by our driveway, we could “earn” ourselves a brand-new color television. I also remember my father saying when I was a teenager, “You are my only hope for a successful daughter.”

Roots of Work Ethic. So it is no surprise that I started working at the age of 16 and never stopped. Much of my self-worth has been unconsciously tied to working. After graduating with my Bachelor’s degree in psychology, not the most useful degree, I started out as a secretary moving up to a paralegal. Once I became the director of the legal department for a software company, I decided to go to law school. After law school, I worked for the Third District Guardian ad Litem’s office, started my own firm, then joined a downtown Salt Lake law firm where I was co-chair of the Family Law section. After 12 years at that firm, I fed my entrepreneurial drive and started my own family law collaborative divorce and mediation firm.

Struggles and Successes. While I’ve done well professionally as an attorney and business owner, I struggled personally. I had two failed marriages and essentially raised two daughters as a single parent. As a result of being a stressed out mother, my relationships with my daughters can be challenging at times. Had I accepted who I was when I was in my twenties rather than trying to change my core self to satisfy others, my children would have had a very different mother and a much easier childhood.

Reflection and Awakening. I previously wrote about this but after the demise of my second marriage, I was emotionally destroyed. Both marriages were unhealthy. I did not want to repeat this pattern so I began what became 8 years of self-reflection and asking curious questions. I dived deep into exploring the beliefs that I held, questioning whether those were my beliefs versus beliefs that were instilled in me. I questioned whether those beliefs still served me in a positive way. I explored my spiritual beliefs, beliefs about myself, and beliefs around what family relationships should be. I studied different religions. I studied Carl Jung, Marion Woodman, Thich Nhat Hahn, Sharon Salzburg, Wayne Dyer, Caroline Myss, Judith Orloff, and many others. I read biographies of female trailblazers. After years of study, I finally started getting a glimpse of who I really was and not being ashamed of that person. I am a direct communicator and a strong advocate that can, at times, come across as “a bull in a china shop,” as one male colleague called me.

During my self-reflection period, I changed the way I practiced as a family lawyer and how I ran my law practice. It was a struggle since my model was different than my other law firm partners. I could no longer just focus on the legal aspects of divorce. I recognized the importance of addressing the other aspects of my cases that were the “elephants in the room” and influenced decision making including the emotional fears, spiritual values, and financial concerns of the divorcing or separating couples. I wanted to help my clients see that the challenging situation they found themselves in could be an opportunity of transformation like it was for me. However, the only way to accomplish that was to provide opportunities of insight for my clients.

Evolution. It is for this reason that I offer a resource called “Our Family in Two Homes” and “Our Family in Few Homes” for divorcing or separating couples with adult children. This resource is a tool for my clients to thoughtfully prepare for negotiating their settlement. Prior to offering this resource, I would spend time with my clients asking similar questions but the clients paid for the time they met with me. Now my clients can accomplish the same on their own time.

Insight Resource. The “Our Family in Two Homes” workbook allows my clients to really think about their responses, determine what is most important, understand better where conflict arises with their partner, and think about how each of them shows up when conflict arises. The workbook helps clients figure out the values that influence their decision making process and their partners since these strongly impact the settlement negotiations. Not only does it explore the areas of trust that have been broken but the areas that have not been broken, which can be the starting point for healing the areas of trust that have been broken. All these aspects are critical in consciously creating a settlement that supports the future envisioned by my clients.

Is this something of interest? If so, feel free to complete an inquiry form or call me at (801)464-4004.

Reflection: The Path To Empowerment

By

Reflecting and Empowerment

I was raised to work. My father’s mentality was “God helps those that help themselves.” While my childhood friends enjoyed watching Saturday morning cartoons, I had my weekly chores to complete cleaning my room, cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming, and dusting the living rooms and hallways, and then weeding. Growing up in California, weeding was year-round, and I hated it. Holidays were also spent working. I vividly remember a Thanksgiving where my parents told my brother and I that if we finished weeding the garden, which was no small job with flower gardens surrounding our home and an overrun juniper garden encircled by our driveway, we could “earn” ourselves a brand-new color television. I also remember my father saying when I was a teenager, “You are my only hope for a successful daughter.”

Roots of Work Ethic. So, it is no surprise that I started working at the age of 16 and never stopped. Much of my self-worth has been unconsciously tied to working. After graduating with my bachelor’s degree in psychology, not the most useful degree, I started out as a secretary moving up to a paralegal. Once I became the director of the legal department for a software company, I decided to go to law school. After law school, I worked for the Third District Guardian ad Litem’s office, started my own firm, then joined a downtown Salt Lake law firm where I was co-chair of the Family Law section. After 12 years at that firm, I fed my entrepreneurial drive and started my own family law collaborative divorce and mediation firm.

Struggles and Successes. While I’ve done well professionally as an attorney and business owner, I struggled personally. I had two failed marriages and essentially raised two daughters as a single parent. As a result of being a stressed-out mother, my relationships with my daughters can be challenging at times. Had I accepted who I was when I was in my twenties rather than trying to change my core self to satisfy others, my children would have had a very different mother and a much easier childhood.

Reflection and Awakening. I previously wrote about this but after the demise of my second marriage, I was emotionally destroyed. Both marriages were unhealthy. I did not want to repeat this pattern, so I began what became 8 years of self-reflection and asking curious questions. I have dived deep into exploring the beliefs that I held, questioning whether those were my beliefs versus beliefs that were instilled in me. I questioned whether those beliefs still served me in a positive way. I explored my spiritual beliefs, beliefs about myself, and beliefs around what family relationships should be. I studied different religions. I studied Carl Jung, Marion Woodman, Thich Nhat Hahn, Sharon Salzburg, Wayne Dyer, Caroline Myss, Judith Orloff, and many others. I read biographies of female trailblazers. After years of study, I finally started getting a glimpse of who I really was and not being ashamed of that person. I am a direct communicator and a strong advocate that can, at times, come across as “a bull in a China shop,” as one male colleague called me.

During my self-reflection period, I changed the way I practiced as a family lawyer and how I ran my law practice. It was a struggle since my model was different than my other law firm partners. I could no longer just focus on the legal aspects of divorce. I recognized the importance of addressing the other aspects of my cases that were the “elephants in the room” and influenced decision making including the emotional fears, spiritual values, and financial concerns of the divorcing or separating couples. I wanted to help my clients see that the challenging situation they found themselves in could be an opportunity of transformation like it was for me. However, the only way to accomplish that was to provide opportunities of insight for my clients.

Evolution. It is for this reason that I offer a resource called “Our Family in Two Homes” and “Our Family in Few Homes” for divorcing or separating couples with adult children. This resource is a tool for my clients to thoughtfully prepare for negotiating their settlement. Prior to offering this resource, I would spend time with my clients asking similar questions, but the clients paid for the time they met with me. Now my clients can accomplish the same on their own time.

Insight Resource. The “Our Family in Two Homes” workbook allows my clients to really think about their responses, determine what is most important, understand better where conflict arises with their partner, and think about how each of them shows up when conflict arises. The workbook helps clients figure out the values that influence their decision-making process and their partners since these strongly impact the settlement negotiations. Not only does it explore the areas of trust that have been broken but the areas that have not been broken, which can be the starting point for healing the areas of trust that have been broken. All these aspects are critical in consciously creating a settlement that supports the future envisioned by my clients.

Is this something of interest? If so, feel free to complete an inquiry form or call me at (801)464-4004. Our office is located at 1945 South 1100 East, Suite 200, Salt Lake City, UT 84106.

Musing of a Utah Family Law Attorney in Transition – One Year Later

By

One year ago this month, I stepped into my dream of establishing an integrative family law practice.  I made the decision to shift from a litigation model to offering out-of-court resolutions where my clients have the option to work with mental health professionals, financial neutrals, and various other professionals in reaching the best possible outcome for their families.   My practice now offers collaborative divorce, mediation, unbundled services, and assisted settlement negotiations.

Since 2009, after my second divorce, I realized how transformative divorce could be.  I wrote about this in my first blog article but sometimes we are faced with a life experience that utterly breaks us.  This can be in the form of a life-threatening illness, a death, lost job, divorce, or breakdown of an intimate relationship.  For me, my second marriage utterly crushed me emotionally.  But that experience forced me to look at myself, figure out the beliefs, patterns, and choices that no longer served me.  I figured out who I was through diving deep into my beliefs, searching various spiritual philosophies, exploring Jungian archetypes, attending therapy, and writing into my pain.  It was a difficult soul journey, but it opened my eyes to the opportunity that divorce offers in finding oneself and one’s life purpose.  From this experience, I dreamed about approaching my law practice from an integrated/holistic perspective addressing the whole family system.  I realized that my family law clients could benefit from an integrated team approach that involved working with collaboratively minded attorneys, mental health professionals, financial advisors, mediators, vocational advisors, spiritual advisors, meditation teachers, and other professionals.

In the 1970s, many medical professionals embraced a different approach to medical care, recognizing the need to treat the whole human system (mind/body/soul).  The United States saw the introduction of meditation, acupuncture, Chinese medicine, homeopathy, naturopathy, biofeedback, reiki, massage, yoga, yoga nidra, shamanism, and many other practices.  However, these practices were shunned by the traditional medical profession.  Yet, 40 years later many of these practices have become mainstream. Courses in mindfulness, meditation, and yoga are now taught in medical and business schools worldwide.

I find that the legal profession is in a similar transition period right now.  There are many alternative dispute resolution approaches to divorce, custody disputes, and other similar family law disputes where couples resolve their dispute outside of court.  Some of these approaches have been around for 30 years.  For example, mediation as an alternative to resolving issues in court started in the late 1970s/early 1980s.   Yet, Utah did not adopt the mandatory divorce mediation program until 2005 and the Uniform Mediation Act until 2006.  Now, a trial in a court divorce proceeding cannot be scheduled unless the parties have attended at least one session of mediation.  In 2010, Utah was the first state to adopt the Uniform Collaborative Law Act [1].  However, the majority of the public does not know this approach exists and few attorneys in the state are trained in collaborative law.

Last year, I stepped off the “cliff” and dedicated myself to offering integrated approaches to resolving family law disputes outside of court. I still litigate issues at times, but my focus is helping clients discover a better way to divorce.  What has been surprising is the reluctance and confusion from clients and other attorneys that I have experienced over the last year.  Many clients respond when I inform them that my role is to help them reach a resolution outside of court with “Well, I don’t want to go to court.”  But others assume their case will have to be litigated and they do not see a possibility of resolving their case out of court.

This year has been full of unlearning much of my legal training and redefining my role as an attorney.  My approach recognizes the emotions that steer decision-making.  Time is taken to explore what really matters to my clients.  It does not shy away from conflict. It recognizes conflict as a means of discovering what really matters.   When conflict exists between two people, it is because something of value is being threatened.  How can parties reach their best possible settlement outcome without fully understanding what really matters to each individual?

It is a challenge to shift away from the traditional approach to conflict resolution and family law litigation. The easy path is to follow what has been done before.   But it has been incredibly rewarding to work with divorcing couples in this new way. To witness couples signing agreements satisfied with the results.  Couples who each feel heard and have confidence moving forward.  I have no regrets in choosing a path that focuses on integrated approaches to family law disputes.

[1] A true collaborative divorce is a complete paradigm shift where the parties and attorneys commit to full disclosure, transparency, and a focus on the needs and interests of the parties rather than the rights and obligations recognized under the law.

Could Our Limits Be Gifts to Discovering Our Potential?

By

Today’s blog provides a question rather than answers.

In his book, The Sacred Enneagram, author Christopher L. Heuertz writes that our limitations, destructive patterns, addictions, or other seemingly unpresentable parts are invitations “to return to what wounded us as children so that our eyes may be opened to the gift of who we are and who we can become.”   Mr. Heuertz has spent his career understanding the Enneagram of Personality.  If you have not heard of the Enneagram, it is a tool that has been around for thousands of years.  As Mr. Heuertz explains, the Enneagram offers nine personality types that “explain the ‘why’ of how we think, act, and feel.”  He further writes “the Enneagram is a blueprint for developing character that each of us carries throughout our life, but one that we don’t open until we discover our type.”  The Enneagram types explain the strengths common in each type and also the “shadow” side of each type caused by childhood wounds. For instance, my dominant type is Type Six, the Loyalist.  It is the type that needs to be sure and certain.  At their best Sixes are a source of determination and strength. But often Sixes doubt themselves.  Type Sixes include individuals who were often raised in unpredictable situations that left them doubting and disbelieving.    The Enneagram is a complex tool that not only can help us understand who we are, the good and the bad, but also our incredible potential that is there to be uncovered.  Mr. Heuertz asks “are we suffering the pathology of how we were hurt or neglected in our childhood?  Is it because someone harmed us or is it because we actually need an obvious limitation as an invitation to give ourselves to our inner work?”

Here’s my question for you to ponder: What would happen if you perceived your destructive tendencies as needed gifts rather than limitations and invitations to discover who we are and who we can become?